College Essays...help critique please?

[Warhead36]

I have a couple I have written, would really appreciate some critique on the positives and negatives...

The world is expanding and growing at a rapid rate. The people that society requires to keep this era of progress and prosperity growing are people that possess three important characteristics: a willingness to take chances, the ability to lead, and the drive to succeed when under pressure and adversity. I believe that these are three very important traits that George Mason University requires its students to possess, and I possess all of these traits.
Growing up through my years at the Elementary and High School levels, I was always one of the brighter students in my classes. It was not so much that I was smart; it was the fact that I was very good at improving the work habits and studies of the people around me. Whenever there was any group-related work assigned to us, my teachers always assigned me with the weaker students, but I didn’t mind that at all. I would manage the group and spread out the work, while at the same time making sure we all recognized that I was their classmate, not their superior. I learned to appreciate these experiences as they helped improve my leadership and taught me that there was nothing wrong with taking a chance to try to achieve something great.
I feel that these experiences make me a very well-rounded student and person, someone worthy of being titled student at George Mason University. As a student at your institution, I would not only further my life as a productive member of society but I would help the people around me and thus make George Mason University and its surrounding communities a much better place.



As the ground shook under me and the house crumbled around me, I struggled to realize just what exactly was going on. People around me were running and screaming, as I just stood there, unfretted by the pressure. I am not saying I was not scared because I was, but I did not let that level of fear rise. I remained calm and cool, and gathered my family and I out of my Grandparents’ house in Nepal as it succumbed to the pressures of an earthquake.
To say this was a life changing experience is an understatement. Surviving an earthquake unscathed was the equivalent of fighting death itself. To this very day, there have been a countless number of times that I’ve looked back to that moment and used it as motivation for the present. If I ever feel like what I am doing is a lost cause, I look back to when I survived that earthquake and just remain calm under fire.
I feel that ability to not be obliged to fall under adversity and not let the worst of situations get the best of me makes me an ideal George Mason University student. I believe that my cool demeanor and strong resistance to fear can influence my fellow classmates in a positive way, and thus make the George Mason campus and surrounding community a better place.

[Voice of Reason]

make George Mason University and its surrounding communities a much better place.

That should be much better places.

[iheartskins]

Here are my edits:

The world is expanding and growing at a rapid rate. The people that society requires to keep this era of progress and prosperity growing are people that possess three important characteristics: the willingness to take chances, the ability to lead, and the drive to succeed when under pressure and facing adversity. I believe that these traits are also those that George Mason University requires its students to possess, and I possess all of them.

Growing up , I was always one of the brighter students in my classes. It was not so much that I was smart, it was that I had the ability to improve the work habits and studies of the people around me. [WHAT DOES BEING ABLE TO IMPROVE THE WORK HABITS OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU HAVE TO DO WITH BEING A BRIGHT STUDENT? MAKE SURE THAT YOUR TOPIC SENTENCE REFLECTS WHAT YOU DISCUSS IN THE PARAGRAPH.] Whenever there was any group-related work assigned to us [WHO IS US?], my teachers always assigned me with the weaker students, but I didn’t mind that at all [THIS DOESN’T COME ACROSS THE WAY YOU’D WANT IT TO]. I managed the group and distributed the work, all the while maintaining a peer relationship.. Each of these experiences improved my leadership and taught me that there was nothing wrong with taking a chance to try to achieve something great.

I feel that these experiences [YOU ONLY DISCUSS ONE EXPERIENCE] make me a very well-rounded student and person, someone worthy of being titled student at George Mason University. As a student at your institution, I would not only further my life as a productive member of society but I would help the people around me and thus make George Mason University and its surrounding communities a much better place. [YOU NEED DISCUSS MORE ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCES; THIS ESSAY NEEDS MORE DENSITY.]

As the ground shook and the house crumbled around me, I struggled to realize what was going on. People around me were running and screaming, as I just stood there, unfretted by the pressure. I am not saying I was not scared because I was, but I did not let that level of fear rise. I remained calm and cool, and gathered my family and I out of my Grandparents’ house in Nepal as it succumbed to the pressures of an earthquake.

To say this was a life changing experience is an understatement. Surviving an earthquake unscathed was the equivalent of beating death itself. To this very day, there have been countless times that I’ve looked back to that moment and used it as motivation for whatever difficulty I face. If I ever feel like what I am doing is a lost cause, I look back to when I survived that earthquake and remember that I survived it and I that can remain calm under fire.

The ability to keep cool in the face of adversity by not letting the worst of situations get the best of me makes me an ideal George Mason University student. I believe that my cool demeanor and resilience can influence my fellow classmates in a positive way, making George Mason campus and the surrounding community a better place.

[Warhead36]

None for the second iheartskins or are you doing that part later?

[iheartskins]

None for the second iheartskins or are you doing that part later?

It's edited, I just didn't mark it with the lime coloring.

[Ignatius J.]

Some quick ideas: In general try not to be so repetitive and elimante a lot of your colloquialisms. Look for reasons to cut phrases and ask if what you are saying is really a part of what you are trying to say.


I have a couple I have written, would really appreciate some critique on the positives and negatives...

The world is expanding and growing. The people that society requires to keep this era of progress and prosperity moving forward posess a willingness to take chances, an ability to lead, and the drive to succeed under pressure and adversity. George Mason University requires its students to possess all of these traits and I believe that I have demonstrated each of them throughout my life.
In Elementary and High School, I was always one of the brighter students. It was not that I was smarter, I simply knew how to work better. I was even able to find ways to improve the work habits and studies of the people around me. In group work, my teachers often had me work with weaker students. I would manage the group and spread out the work, [I don't know what to do with the rest of this, emphasize results not how friendly you could be. ] I learned to appreciate these experiences as they helped improve my leadership and taught me that there was nothing wrong with taking a chance to try to achieve something great.
I feel that these experiences make me a very well-rounded student and person, someone worthy of being titled student at George Mason University. As a student at your institution, I would not only further my own goals but I would find ways to help the people around me. I know I can contribute to the outstanding community already in place at George Mason University.



As the ground shook under me and the house crumbled around me, I struggled to realize just what exactly was going on. People around me were running and there was screaming. I just stood there, unaffected by the pressure. I am not saying I was not scared because I was, but I did not let that level of fear rise above me. I was able to remain calm, leading my family out of my Grandparents’ (can you put an adjective of any kind here? what kind of house is it? We could really use a picture, but just one quick word would be great) house in Nepal as it succumbed to the shaking of the earthquake.
This was a life changing experience, and when I look back to that moment I always find ways to use it as motivation for the present. Whenever I feel like what I am doing is too difficult to handle, I look back to when I survived that earthquake and I take a deep breath, knowing I can handle anything.
I feel that ability not to fall under adversity and not let the worst of situations get the best of me makes me an ideal George Mason University student. I believe that my cool demeanor and strong resistance to fear can influence my fellow classmates in a positive way, and thus make the George Mason campus and surrounding community a better place.

[jrockster21]

Ugh...its been 8 years since I wrote my admission essays...but I'll give it a shot:

First Essay: I'll get to the second one later:

[Maybe say "society" instead of "the world"] The world is expanding and growing [repetitive - say one or the other; also add prospering or some synonym] at a rapid rate. Society requires leaders with the drive to succeed and a willingness to take chances to further this trend of growth and prosperity. Society needs people who can make decisions under pressure or when faced with adversity. George Mason University produces leaders with these qualities and more, which is why I want to be there.

[This whole paragraph is kind of self-aggrandizing; if I remember correctly, you want to promote yourself, but you don't want to toot your own horn. I guess its a very fine line, but if I was an admissions guy reading this paragraph, it might turn me off. You might just want to tone it down a little?] Growing up through my years at the Elementary and High School levels, I was always one of the brighter students in my classes. It was not so much that I was smart; it was the fact that I was very good at improving the work habits and studies of the people around me. Whenever there was any group-related work assigned to us, my teachers always assigned me with the weaker you come off extremely egotistical here students, but I didn’t mind that at all. I enjoyed assuming the role of group leader - assigning different tasks, outlining the project and making sure it all got done. I learned to appreciate these experiences as they helped improve my leadership and taught me that there was nothing wrong with taking a chance to try to achieve something great -- Doesn't really follow from your above example.

I feel that these experiences you really only listed one experience make me a very well-rounded student and person, someone worthy of being titled student at George Mason University. As a student at GMU, I would strive to improve myself and the community. I know that society will not be disappointed. -- Okay, that's kind of cheesy, but you want to stick with a theme in these things...kind of tie your intro to your closing paragraph

I agree with IJ - eliminate the colloquialisms. Also, provide a couple more examples of leadership, not just group projects.