End of Life Situation in the Real World....

[Fergasun]

I've got no where to vent this, and I hope this thread gets locked if it turns into too much politics.

My wife's family is completely falling apart over the health of her grandfather. 1 week ago this past Thursday, he had a massive stroke, and ended up going into the hospital. He has been on some type of breathing machine since then, and apparantly has some severe lung damage and paralyzation on one side of his body. I'm not sure how they describe unresponsive... but it's probably him. He can hold onto my wife's hand and squeeze, and he tries to rip all the stuff out of his mouth, but he hasn't spoken or opened his eyes or blinked. This Thursday they had to make a decision to give him some type of surgery to get the tube out of his throat... and he ended up having the surgery and probably will go into a home.

Yesterday I heard there was a huge fight between my father-in-law and his brother. There's a little bit more going on, but their father situation has brought everything up. My wife, her dad and the youngest son have hope and faith that somehow God will make a miracle in this situation, and at the very least want to wait before letting him go. The other members (3rd son and daughter) seem to want to pull the plug on him. Father-in-law ended up punching his brother, and somehow grandmother-in-law fell and thought he pushed her down.

My wife and I are pissed because no one really cares about her grandfather, just about themselves, and she, dad and the other brother have been at the hospital most of the time and taking care of him (beyond what I would expect). It's taking a pretty big toll on her because of the fight no one will let her speak to her grandmother, who is like a 2nd mother to her, and it seems like they are being short-sighted... this won't be forgotten if the funeral is soon.

I never really expected to be in this type of situation... in fact my dad ended up pulling the plug on my mom while I was flying from California to Florida in order to see her (I've been a little pissed at him since them). At least she had made her wish known... because she didn't want to live in pain, and wanted to have a good quality of life.

Anyway, I understand both sides but have more sympathy for my wife's side, because the other members don't seem to care too much their dad is dying (that's harsh and probably not true, but it is the perception). Grandmother seems like she is pretty old, but she's really depressed about tihs situation too and doesn't want to see her husband like this.

So basically, her grandfather is going to die soon, her family members are fighting each other, and no one seems to really show much love for him in the hospital. Yesterday she brought in some lotion and gave him a nice lotion-bath and cleaned him up a little bit. Even if he's months from death, he at least deserves to be treated like a person with value.

[twa]

I feel for you, and will pray for ya'll.

I went thru a very similar situation a couple years ago and there are no good choices in such times. :(

The only advice I can give is make your wishes known in a living will

Added; one more thing...making the choice to let them die comes with a price,but sometimes it is needed ( no way can I say best) .

[woolley83]

My deepest sympathies man, this type of situation is never pleasant. The best thing I can say is keep your head and try not to get swept away in all the emotion. It's a tough thing to deal with and I hope you know everyone here at ES sends you their best.

[Jibby]

drink some beers

[TMSCAW5312]

My wife and I are pissed because no one really cares about her grandfather, just about themselves, and she, dad and the other brother have been at the hospital most of the time and taking care of him (beyond what I would expect). It's taking a pretty big toll on her because of the fight no one will let her speak to her grandmother, who is like a 2nd mother to her, and it seems like they are being short-sighted... this won't be forgotten if the funeral is soon.


Man, this breaks me up to read this. Just know you and your wife are not alone, we're thinking about you and praying for you.

I don't mean to sound weird, but stuff like this evens itself out in the end. Your wife sounds selfless, and I'm sure you two will have no regrets here. I understand this "in-fighting" within families, kudos to you and your wife for taking the high road.

Sorry that you 2 have to go through this in already a tough time. Strength to the 2 of you.

[redskingluvr]

Try a front snap kick to the forehead of the difficult ones, or an axe kick to the ones turned around...just kidding and trying to make ya smile....just give him all the love you can while he is here and support your wife. Fight to keep him alive, those last moments are the ones that are remembered most, and the more of them there are, the better.

[skinz1972]

are they fighting over........................MONEY?

[mikeyf316]

Sorry, man. I feel bad for you, as my wife's family has experienced similar issues.

I hope your story helps people to realize that everybody needs a living will. I know exactly what to do if my Mother and / or Father are in a certain condition and have agreement from two doctors that the condition will not improve. My sister knows their wishes as well, so there won't be any family infighting. The paperwork is filed with the family lawyer. Should the time arise (and I sincerely hope it never does), there won't be anything like what you're suffering with now. I hope your story touches some people and gets them to prepare for this possibility.

[stwasm]

Fergasun, I will uphold you and your family in prayer. God bless.

[NASMTrainer]

Dude, I hope this all works out for you. Sorry to hear this.

As for jibby, dude, that might be the most classless thing I have ever seen on this message board.

[Predicto]

At times like this, tempers get strained, people become irrational. Everyone thinks that they themselves are the only ones who care, and that everyone else is being selfish and downright cruel. It is sad, but it is human nature. Try to rise above it and be a rock for other people to hold on to, even when those other people are being jerks. Try not to say something you will regret later, even if you really think that someone deserves to hear it.

Of course, it is easy to say but or so hard to do. I feel for you. I went through all this a few years ago, and the memories are not good, but time does heal.

[praise_gibbs]

Damn dude, I am sorry to hear this.

I lost my grandfather last week. If it came down to it, as a family, we would have 'pulled the plug' so to speak. (There has to be a better word, that sounds so harsh). He would have had serious brain damage if he survived his blood stroke. Those decisions are never easy.. it is almost like you are giving up on your loved one. In almost all cases, it is not that way at all though. If said loved one does not want to suffer, why have them go through it because you are being selfish and can not let go of your loved one's physical form? I am just speaking in general terms. That is my view on it anyway. No matter what your loved ones wishes are, I feel as if you should carry out those wishes. You owe them atleast that much.

I also lost my Uncle to cancer 6 years ago. My Aunt had the very difficult decision to 'pull the plug'. I know exactly how hard that decision is for a family to deal with.

I wish you luck on this situation and know that my thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

[Popeman38]

Ferg,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how difficult a time like this is on a family. My wife and I had to make the decision for our son. No matter what decision is made, someone is going to feel their feelings were ignored and it will strain relationships.

This is the hardest of decisions anyone can ever make, and I wish that no one had to. I will be thinking of you and your family, and if you need anything just drop a PM.....

PG, there is a better phrase for it: removing life support (I don't want to sound smart a**, but I refuse to say I pulled the plug on my son).

[praise_gibbs]

PG, there is a better phrase for it: removing life support (I don't want to sound smart a**, but I refuse to say I pulled the plug on my son).

Nah dude, I was asking for a better word for it. I already said that it sounded harsh. Thanks. :cheers:

[Pete]

If the doctors have said he is terminal, hospice may be the best move depending on how long they actually give him. Hope Hospice is wonderfull. I know this first hand from the situation with my dad prior to his death. The level of careing was amazing, gave him a dignified way to spend his last days, and made sure he was in no pain. I just can't put into words how good they made a very hard time for my family.

The room he was in was so nice, and enough room for many to stay with him as much as they wanted. You could visit at any time of day or night if you chose to. They would just roll in a folding bed for you if you wanted to stay for the night.

We also went through some family infighting of sorts. My uncle and I still don't speak to each other much because of the incident.

I'll pray for your family.

[HSF]

My prayers are with you and your family.

I can sympathize as there was a big fight over my aunt several months ago. My godfather didn't want to let her go, but then he realized that it was not the way she wanted.

We must remember that no matter what, we are still human beings and deserve compassion and dignity.

[Fergasun]

I've got some good news for this thread.

Grandfather opened his eyes yesterday. He was able to look around, motion with his arms and was crying. Everyone that had hope and faith for him to open his eyes is pretty happy, and that was all we wanted to see... was for his eyes to come open. They were going to remove the breathing help and see how his body reacted.

I'm still not sure how the whole family will react as those who believed he would recover feel like the others were trying to kill him. It's hard for them to see it differently. Sounds like he'll be sent to a nursing home.

[NASMTrainer]

That is outstanding news man.

[praise_gibbs]

Glad to hear the good news bro!! :cheers:

Keep us updated as best as you can. :)