Haggard pronounced "completely heterosexual"

[Zuck]

Pretty funny on two levels.

1. Of course he's not.
2. Why did they feel the need to convert him in the first place




Haggard Pronounced ‘Completely Heterosexual’
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By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: February 6, 2007
Filed at 9:59 a.m. ET

DENVER (AP) -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual.''

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

''If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,'' he said. ''We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.''

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to ''sexual immorality.''

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

''This is a good place for Ted,'' Ware said. ''It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.''

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

[Johnny Punani]

Pretty funny on two levels.

1. Of course he's not.
2. Why did they feel the need to convert him in the first place




Haggard Pronounced ‘Completely Heterosexual’
Sign In to E-Mail or Save This Print

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: February 6, 2007
Filed at 9:59 a.m. ET

DENVER (AP) -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual.''

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

''If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,'' he said. ''We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.''

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to ''sexual immorality.''

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

''This is a good place for Ted,'' Ware said. ''It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.''

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

Glad he was able to overcome his sexual sins.

[headexplode]

Thank god they've cured him.

[Bang]

well, after three weeks of intensive treatment, these five men have been discovered to be complete idiots.

"I think we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that our idiocy is obvious to anyone." said Rev. Tim Ralph. "We're just glad that we have opportunities like this to prove it once and for all."

~Bang

[Zuck]

well, after three weeks of intensive treatment, these five men have been discovered to be complete idiots.

"I think we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that our idiocy is obvious to anyone." said Rev. Tim Ralph. "We're just glad that we have opportunities like this to prove it once and for all."

~Bang


I think the three week treatment involved all five men having sex with each other continuously so Haggard could get it out of his system. Of course the other men are not gay, they simply helped with his recovery.

[Johnny Punani]

''We have exorcised the Homos." "He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''

What the?

[Midnight Judges]

Them are good 'ole boys! :dunce:

[Johnny Punani]

Them are good 'ole boys! :dunce:

We are talking about Colorado here not Alabama.

[McMetal]

Sorry, try again.

Like the Diceman said "either you suck **** or you do not suck ****"

"Constant" is irrelevant.

[Larry]

Wow. So many opportunities for humor, here.

1) Where do I go to get a "Certified Heterosexual" diploma?

2)


Another oversight board member said the group recommended the move out of town.

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

[rincewind]

We are talking about Colorado here not Alabama.



You ever been to Durango?

[rincewind]

So does this mean he isn't going to hell now?

[Predicto]

I wonder how much money he is taking from his ministry in order to help him get a good start in his new life.

[redskinslover4life]

Sorry, try again.

Like the Diceman said "either you suck **** or you do not suck ****"

"Constant" is irrelevant.


What about Anne Heche who was a "lesbian" then completely stopped and married a man and has a kid with him....hmmmmm...very strange.

[headexplode]

I don't know what the big deal is here. I mean, I don't know why everybody is getting all anal.

[chomerics]

What about Anne Heche who was a "lesbian" then completely stopped and married a man and has a kid with him....hmmmmm...very strange.

Her husband likes 3-ways, nothing strange at all, it is the best of both worlds for her! :laugh:

[chomerics]

''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered." . . . How do you "discover" you like women when you are already married? I mean was he like "honey, I'm sorry, but I haven't discovered that I love having sex with you yet, I like a guys hairy ass a bit better" :doh:

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

What about Anne Heche who was a "lesbian" then completely stopped and married a man and has a kid with him....hmmmmm...very strange.
Well after extensive studies I've concluded that ALL women have a little bit of lesbianism in them. I'll probably get blasted for this but it is true.

[Predicto]

Well after extensive studies I've concluded that ALL women have a little bit of lesbianism in them. I'll probably get blasted for this but it is true.

Well, look at them! They are smoking hot, not all hairy and nasty like us guys. How could women themselves not see that the same as we do?

[rincewind]

Well, look at them! They are smoking hot, not all hairy and nasty like us guys. How could women themselves not see that the same as we do?


Not to mention the smell. :)

[Zguy28]

So, if a person is just into the sex or physical part of a relationship, are they classified as homosexual? Or does a person have to have emotional attractions as well?

Obviously the man loves his wife, but liked the gay sex acts. So is he homo or hetero or both?

[Destino]

So, if a person is just into the sex or physical part of a relationship, are they classified as homosexual? Or does a person have to have emotional attractions as well?

Obviously the man loves his wife, but liked the gay sex acts. So is he homo or hetero or both?
What the hell is wrong with you? The physical part is what defines it all. Having a buddy you are close with doesn't make you gay. Blowing him does.

Got that?!

What the heck is an emotional attraction anyway? Just saying that has to violate some man law.

[SkinInsite]

I loved my ex girl friend but i just like to bang other chicks.

That doesn't mean i'm cheating right.

[McMetal]

What about Anne Heche who was a "lesbian" then completely stopped and married a man and has a kid with him....hmmmmm...very strange.


Drugstore Lesbian.

It's different for women anyway. BornaSkinsFan is on to something.

[Destino]

I loved my ex girl friend but i just like to bang other chicks.

That doesn't mean i'm cheating right.
it means you're emotionally gay. :silly:

[Midnight Judges]

A friend of mine dated girls in highschool but he is gay. I've heard about lesbians who go straight. Every person has the right to define themselves so if this guy wants to say "I used to be gay" that is his right. But to say, "I never was gay, I just had sex with other men" is laughable. He's still in denial so there is no way he could be "cured."

[Ax]

So, if a person is just into the sex or physical part of a relationship, are they classified as homosexual? Or does a person have to have emotional attractions as well?

Obviously the man loves his wife, but liked the gay sex acts. So is he homo or hetero or both?

Reminds me something I read years ago. I don't remember which publication it was, but they had a section where people would write in to get advice from somebody calling themself, "Miraculous Mutha".

The guy writing in tells a story of how him and his buddy met these two hot chicks, who said they would meet them that evening on the beach. The guys packed some blankets, a picnic basket, complete with a few bottles of wine, and some of the finest weed they'd ever had.

Well, seems the girls didn't show up, and the guys proceeded to drown their sorrow in the weed & wine. While trying to comfort each others pain, and trying to forget how horny they were, they soon found themselves naked doing the Sausage 69.

"So, my question is" he wrote, "Since this only happened once, when we were both drunk and lonely, does it mean we're gay?

Miraculous Mutha's only response was...

"Dear Homo......" :laugh:

[Spaceman Spiff]

I thought it was gonna be about Merle Haggard...

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

Well, look at them! They are smoking hot, not all hairy and nasty like us guys. How could women themselves not see that the same as we do?
Exactly. Something about girl on girl is just sensual. Man on man is just too violent.



It's different for women anyway. BornaSkinsFan is on to something.

I know damn well I'm onto something. I've spent countless hours in the field researching this. *EDIT Not to mention my ex is now a lesbian* Lesbianism in women is like a doormant virus (I don't mean that in a bad way.) It takes the right conditions to awaken, whether it be an abusive father/husband, a bad breakup, alcohol/drugs, or whatever.

[PleaseBlitz]

I thought it was gonna be about Merle Haggard...

I thought it was going to be about Haggar the Horrible. :doh:

http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/pix/comicstripbooks/hagar/thebestofhagar.jpg

:laugh:

[chomerics]

What the hell is wrong with you?. . .Having a buddy you are close with doesn't make you gay. Blowing him does!!!

:laugh: man, you owe me a keyboard for that one des, good stuff :cheers:

[Joe Sick]

I thought it was going to be about Haggar the Horrible. :doh:

http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/pix/comicstripbooks/hagar/thebestofhagar.jpg

:laugh:

Did anyone else see this comic strip's creator's name as being strangely appropriate to this thread?

[China]

Pastor: Haggard has left 'restoration program' (http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iNSsiRhqa7bQlrClUE4-XRPgR-kwD91FFCB00)

By COLLEEN SLEVIN – 2 days ago

DENVER (AP) — The evangelist forced out of his job after being caught up in a sex scandal involving a male prostitute has left a "spiritual restoration program" and no longer has any ties to the megachurch he founded, the congregation's new pastor said Sunday.

Under a severance deal that Ted Haggard reached with the church in 2006, he agreed to leave Colorado Springs and not talk about the scandal publicly. The deal expired at the end of 2007. New pastor Brady Boyd said Haggard was now free to live where he wanted and has returned to Colorado Springs.

"They have moved back and they live in the original house that they lived in for many years," Boyd said of Haggard and his wife, Gayle.

Haggard answered the telephone at his Colorado Springs telephone number on Sunday and confirmed he was in the city but said he couldn't talk to reporters.

He was fired in 2006 as pastor of the 14,000-member church he established, after a former male prostitute alleged they had a cash-for-sex relationship. The man also said he saw Haggard use methamphetamine.

Haggard, who also stepped down as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, confessed to undisclosed "sexual immorality" and said he bought meth but didn't use it.

Haggard then moved to Phoenix with his family to begin what church leaders called a spiritual restoration program, which was expected to include counseling and prayer and last five years or longer. Boyd said Haggard asked to released from the restoration program in January and is no longer connected with New Life.

Haggard and church officials clashed last summer after Haggard sent an e-mail to a Colorado Springs television station outlining his plans to work as a counselor at a Christian-run halfway house in Phoenix. The e-mail also solicited financial support.

A four-pastor team of overseers said that those plans were unacceptable and that Haggard would seek secular employment instead.

Click on the link for the full article

[DCsportsfan53]

Well after extensive studies I've concluded that ALL women have a little bit of lesbianism in them. I'll probably get blasted for this but it is true.


Personally, I believe all humans are probably a little bisexual. It just happens that in our particular culture it's been driven into our brains so strongly that it's not acceptable for men. It's not like there aren't cultures out there now and in the past that didn't accept bisexuality as normal from either gender.

[Tulane Skins Fan]

So, now you can have gay sex and not be gay? Not even 1%?

To quote the office, "The only thing I do that is gayer than having sex with men, is the Finer Things Club."

[headexplode]

Personally, I believe all humans are probably a little bisexual. It just happens that in our particular culture it's been driven into our brains so strongly that it's not acceptable for men. It's not like there aren't cultures out there now and in the past that didn't accept bisexuality as normal from either gender.

I agree with this. It's hard to say how much of our sexuality is natural and how much is the result of social and/or religious conditioning. I'm not saying there isn't a natural tendency toward one or the other, but if there wasn't such a stigma to homosexuality (particularly male homosexuality) I know a lot more of us would be gettin' down with the brown.

[Chachie]

This might be the funniest thing I've heard in months. :)

I can't wait to hear about his first day back at Jesus Camp.

[Corcaigh]

I'll post the obligatory:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ

[Corcaigh]

The evangelist forced out of his job after being caught up in a sex scandal involving a male prostitute has left a "spiritual restoration program"

What has been restored?

[PleaseBlitz]

Wow. So many opportunities for humor, here.

1) Where do I go to get a "Certified Heterosexual" diploma?



Its not a diploma, its a stamp like they put on USDA certified beef. :silly:

[mardi gras skin]

I know damn well I'm onto something. I've spent countless hours in the field researching this. *EDIT Not to mention my ex is now a lesbian* Lesbianism in women is like a doormant virus (I don't mean that in a bad way.)

You turned her! :laugh:

[ACW]

This aint golf on the public greens where you can get a do over. You packed fudge you charlatan. Only idiots would welcome him back to the pulpit and think he is a moral authority type.It's the hypocrisy that angers me. Just like w/ Bill Bennett's gambling: not the gambling, but the hypocrisy. This is why people IMHO shouldn't go :blahblah: about other people's morality: they likely have some problems of their own. :2cents:

[Hooper]

It's the hypocrisy that angers me. Just like w/ Bill Bennett's gambling: not the gambling, but the hypocrisy. This is why people IMHO shouldn't go :blahblah: about other people's morality: they likely have some problems of their own. :2cents:

Exactly. Like when Navy Dave admitted he "accidentally" watched kiddie porn in the very same thread he was saying all kiddie rapists should be executed.

Oh, the hypocrisy.
:laugh:

[Corcaigh]

Exactly. Like when Navy Dave admitted he "accidentally" watched kiddie porn in the very same thread he was saying all kiddie rapists should be executed.

Oh, the hypocrisy.
:laugh:

No-one ever claimed NavyDave was a moral leader though. :)

These guys make their living on a stage putting down the behavior of others. NavyDave is just doing it for his own entertainment.

[Chachie]

This aint golf on the public greens where you can get a do over. You packed fudge you charlatan. Only idiots would welcome him back to the pulpit and think he is a moral authority type.



Not that morality has anything to do with sexuality but I totally get your point.

[techboy]

It's the hypocrisy that angers me. Just like w/ Bill Bennett's gambling: not the gambling, but the hypocrisy. This is why people IMHO shouldn't go :blahblah: about other people's morality: they likely have some problems of their own. :2cents:

Are you condmening others for condemning others? :laugh:

[Koolblue13]

When I saw this thread this morning, I thought "Merle Haggard ain't gay? No ****".

[DaveMason]

Isn't Haggard the name of that big bearded guy in Harry Potter?

It's really quite sickening how that flaming liberal JK Rowling is assigning sexual identities to all of the characters in her children's story. How am I going to explain Haggard's heterosexuality to my children?

[Corcaigh]

Isn't Haggard the name of that big bearded guy in Harry Potter?

It's really quite sickening how that flaming liberal JK Rowling is assigning sexual identities to all of the characters in her children's story. How am I going to explain Haggard's heterosexuality to my children?

Dumbledore and his 'magic wand' probably already gives them nightmares.

[ACW]

Are you condmening others for condemning others? :laugh:Touche :laugh:


Isn't Haggard the name of that big bearded guy in Harry Potter?

It's really quite sickening how that flaming liberal JK Rowling is assigning sexual identities to all of the characters in her children's story. How am I going to explain Haggard's heterosexuality to my children?That's HagRID :geek:

[Bang]

Personally, I believe all humans are probably a little bisexual. It just happens that in our particular culture it's been driven into our brains so strongly that it's not acceptable for men. It's not like there aren't cultures out there now and in the past that didn't accept bisexuality as normal from either gender.

Hate to burst your bubble with this one, but it certainly isn't true of "all humans" because I certainly am not so special as to be the ONLY one who isn't...

My ex wife used to run this one on me a lot.. told me that my denial of any homosexual feelings was simply me being 'repressed'.
Nope. Not that either.
It simply has never entered my head to ever want sex with a man.

Further, if I recognize that Tom Cruise is a good looking man that doesn't make me sexually attracted to him, it's simply a fact, and dois not indicate bisexuality, which is an argument i have also heard.

By the way, there is no such thing as "Bi"... if a woman is "Bi" she's either
A/ a slut who can't keep her legs closed to anyone... or
B/ unable to make up her mind.

If a guy claims to be Bi he is
A/ gay, or
B/ gay.

~Bang

[Zguy28]

What has been restored?Likely it is referring to his relationship with God. :2cents:


Its not a diploma, its a stamp like they put on USDA certified beef. :silly:I don't know why, but this made me think of the tatoos that girls get on their backs. :puke:

Don't they call it a "tramp stamp" or something?