Teller
June-14th-2008, 12:22 PM
This special edition of "Meet the Hog" is dedicated to Tim Russert; a fine man, a fine journalist, and the best political interviewer of our time. RIP.
*
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my high honor and distinct privilege to bring to you another edition of "Meet the Hog." Today's guest is a well-known, somewhat loved member of the ES community. An allegedly proud native West Virginian. A father. A teacher. A coach. A friend. Please welcome....Major Harris.
(As always, Major's comments are taken from his actual posts, and used completely out of context and without permission.)
Hog: Major, it's a pleasure to welcome you to "Meet the Hog." Good to have you here.
Major: appreciate it.
Hog: Let's get right down to business. Barack Obama recently came under fire for "failing to vet the vetters" on his vice presidential search team. Along those lines, many are calling for us to vet you as a West Virginian. How would you respond to that?
Major: I don't speak redneck.
Hog: Well, that's not going to work in your favor. How many wheels does your house have?
Major: somewhere between 31 and 90.
Hog: That's certainly more than the average WV residence. What do your neighbors think?
Major: I'm really ****ing cool.
Hog: I'm sure. Major, this next topic is sensitive, I know, but I have to ask this hypothetical. You have a nice adult male sheep out in your yard. You haven't had sex in six months. The sheep gives you that sheepish little grin. What do you do?
Major: I'd take him to the hole.
Hog: Oh my God, that's horrible. What if it was...say...a female sheep? And she was pregnant?
Major: pregnant is sexy. if you think otherwise, you've never had pregnant sex. just trust me.
Hog: You're a sick, sick man. But you are building up your West Virginia cred. Why wouldn't you just go get yourself some kind of *ahem* marital aid? A *cough* plug and play device of sorts?
Major: i agree, but it seems like blondie is worried about her electric bill going up.
Hog: Whoa. Um. OK. Moving on....
Major: yeah?
Hog: You're married, right?
Major: yeah
Hog: Do you remember what the first thing you ever said to your wife was?
Major: get back here beyotch.
Hog: Another point in the true West Virginian column. And when she told you to go **** yourself, you said.....
Major: so you're a quitter AND a copycat.
Hog: And she said....
Major: can i still get a sixer?
Hog: And the rest is history. So many great West Virginia marriages have begun with a demeaning verbal exchange over a sixer of PBR. *sigh* The memories...So that first time you got her in the sack. Did you go once? Twice? Thr....
Major: no triple crown winner
Hog: Nothing to be ashamed of there. Twice ain't bad. Was she impressed?
Major: You know the answer to that dude.
Hog: Hmm...Too bad. How did you respond to her disappointment?
Major: i said...does the real maj not match your notions?
Hog: And?
Major: the beaver ain't comin back.
Hog: Ouch. Hence the turn to pregnant sheep.
Major: yep
Hog: Maybe today's West Virginia woman is more refined; more sophisticated. Maybe you should try something besides insults and PBR. I know it sounds far fetched, but....
Major: i've got jaeger.
Hog: Well that's a start, but offer her more. Something of substance. Something that says, "I'm a strong, West Virginia alpha-male!"
Major: another night of jaeger
Hog: No, man. Think outside the box to get inside the box. How bout this? Do you own a rebel flag?
Major: that's for the peace corps and red cross. i thought you were all for diversity?
Hog: I am. But I'm trying to get you laid without involving livestock, and I know mountaineer women are big on symbolism. Speaking of big....uhhh....that's not the problem, is it? Is she happy with "the boys?"
Major: i don't think they were hung with enough slant
Hog: Tough break.
Major: i knew to stay out of here.
Hog: I'm sure. Well Major, I think I've heard enough to proclaim you vetted as a true West Virginian. Do you have any final thoughts to share with us about your great state?
Major: "you can't live here! this is where people go to die."
Hog: Too late. :)
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest has been the one, the only (and thank God for that) Major Harris. Major, thanks for being here.
Major: thanks
*
Maj, my boy. It's been a long time coming. I hope I did it justice. And I hope you see it for what it is. Like other people who exchange a derogatory greeting as a sign of kinship, you'll always be "Redneck, my redeck." :)
:cheers:
And this is it. "Meet the Hog" is history. My roasts started with Major, and this gimmick is ending with Major. I'll probably do more roasts at some point, but not like this. RIP, Tim.
*
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my high honor and distinct privilege to bring to you another edition of "Meet the Hog." Today's guest is a well-known, somewhat loved member of the ES community. An allegedly proud native West Virginian. A father. A teacher. A coach. A friend. Please welcome....Major Harris.
(As always, Major's comments are taken from his actual posts, and used completely out of context and without permission.)
Hog: Major, it's a pleasure to welcome you to "Meet the Hog." Good to have you here.
Major: appreciate it.
Hog: Let's get right down to business. Barack Obama recently came under fire for "failing to vet the vetters" on his vice presidential search team. Along those lines, many are calling for us to vet you as a West Virginian. How would you respond to that?
Major: I don't speak redneck.
Hog: Well, that's not going to work in your favor. How many wheels does your house have?
Major: somewhere between 31 and 90.
Hog: That's certainly more than the average WV residence. What do your neighbors think?
Major: I'm really ****ing cool.
Hog: I'm sure. Major, this next topic is sensitive, I know, but I have to ask this hypothetical. You have a nice adult male sheep out in your yard. You haven't had sex in six months. The sheep gives you that sheepish little grin. What do you do?
Major: I'd take him to the hole.
Hog: Oh my God, that's horrible. What if it was...say...a female sheep? And she was pregnant?
Major: pregnant is sexy. if you think otherwise, you've never had pregnant sex. just trust me.
Hog: You're a sick, sick man. But you are building up your West Virginia cred. Why wouldn't you just go get yourself some kind of *ahem* marital aid? A *cough* plug and play device of sorts?
Major: i agree, but it seems like blondie is worried about her electric bill going up.
Hog: Whoa. Um. OK. Moving on....
Major: yeah?
Hog: You're married, right?
Major: yeah
Hog: Do you remember what the first thing you ever said to your wife was?
Major: get back here beyotch.
Hog: Another point in the true West Virginian column. And when she told you to go **** yourself, you said.....
Major: so you're a quitter AND a copycat.
Hog: And she said....
Major: can i still get a sixer?
Hog: And the rest is history. So many great West Virginia marriages have begun with a demeaning verbal exchange over a sixer of PBR. *sigh* The memories...So that first time you got her in the sack. Did you go once? Twice? Thr....
Major: no triple crown winner
Hog: Nothing to be ashamed of there. Twice ain't bad. Was she impressed?
Major: You know the answer to that dude.
Hog: Hmm...Too bad. How did you respond to her disappointment?
Major: i said...does the real maj not match your notions?
Hog: And?
Major: the beaver ain't comin back.
Hog: Ouch. Hence the turn to pregnant sheep.
Major: yep
Hog: Maybe today's West Virginia woman is more refined; more sophisticated. Maybe you should try something besides insults and PBR. I know it sounds far fetched, but....
Major: i've got jaeger.
Hog: Well that's a start, but offer her more. Something of substance. Something that says, "I'm a strong, West Virginia alpha-male!"
Major: another night of jaeger
Hog: No, man. Think outside the box to get inside the box. How bout this? Do you own a rebel flag?
Major: that's for the peace corps and red cross. i thought you were all for diversity?
Hog: I am. But I'm trying to get you laid without involving livestock, and I know mountaineer women are big on symbolism. Speaking of big....uhhh....that's not the problem, is it? Is she happy with "the boys?"
Major: i don't think they were hung with enough slant
Hog: Tough break.
Major: i knew to stay out of here.
Hog: I'm sure. Well Major, I think I've heard enough to proclaim you vetted as a true West Virginian. Do you have any final thoughts to share with us about your great state?
Major: "you can't live here! this is where people go to die."
Hog: Too late. :)
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest has been the one, the only (and thank God for that) Major Harris. Major, thanks for being here.
Major: thanks
*
Maj, my boy. It's been a long time coming. I hope I did it justice. And I hope you see it for what it is. Like other people who exchange a derogatory greeting as a sign of kinship, you'll always be "Redneck, my redeck." :)
:cheers:
And this is it. "Meet the Hog" is history. My roasts started with Major, and this gimmick is ending with Major. I'll probably do more roasts at some point, but not like this. RIP, Tim.