Can't be with the one you want. Don't want to be with the one you can.

[praise_gibbs]

Anyone in the same boat as I am currently in? Can't be with the one you want and don't really want to be with the one you can be with?

I'll just give it to you at face-value. No need for all of the details and what not. Even though they would make this situation all the more understandable... Kinda want this thread to be about anyone else sharing their situation as opposed to it being about mine.


I have been talking to this girl for quite a while now. Well, at least 4 years now. We basically like each other. However, the timing is just bad. She lives in NYC working on her career and I am living in NJ trying to do the same.

Do you, risk losing a possible career to see if there is 'something' truly there after 4 years of basically talking?

The other girl, I have 'dated' before at the ripe age of like 10. She was 11 lol. She moved away, haven't heard from her, and then after 14 years, she shows up and wants to chill and what not. We hang out NYE and then will hang out again on Valentines Day. Cool girl but, I truly don't know how I feel tbh. Kinda awkward with the lapsed time and what not.

I am confident that I can have a relationship with 'girl #2" however, I truly am head over heals for "girl #1".

Anyone else find themselves in ****ed up situations like this?

[btfoom]

I am going to go somewhat against your first/second paragraph wish and just give you advice based on my life.

I don't know what type of work you do - is it easily transferred to other parts of the country or are you pretty much stuck where you live to have that job? The answer is very key to what I think you should do.

If you can fairly easily move (or at least, go to a similar job nearer to #1), then you should make every effort to go for girl #1.

If you can't, then I think you need to talk to girl #1 to see if she will/can relocate nearer to you to have the relationship.

IMHO, the relationship with girl #2 is doomed from the start. It sounds like you will always be thinking about 'What If' with #1, and that isn't fair to her (and not to you, either). That kind of relationship is bound to fail - now, soon, or later.

The real problem is if girl #1 can't move closer, you can't find a decent job near her, and you still can only think of her.

At this point, you need to take a really honest look at your life. If you move closer to her, but can't get a good job, will she still like you? You have to KNOW that answer before you do something stupid.

In the end, you may want to think about girl #3 - someone you haven't had a relationship with yet, but is attainable and desireable, and lives close.

Hope this helps.

[SpringfieldSkins]

Go with your gut.

[Slacky McSlackAss]

Very similar situaeaion...the girl etexting mse i snot the won im in to. The gtirl i wan to be with is not answering my texts...Life blwos, im drunk.

[praise_gibbs]

I don't know what type of work you do - is it easily transferred to other parts of the country or are you pretty much stuck where you live to have that job? The answer is very key to what I think you should do.


I could more than likely transfer to all 50 states if there were an opening for my position or greater.



If you can fairly easily move (or at least, go to a similar job nearer to #1), then you should make every effort to go for girl #1.


This has been playing on my mind a ton for the past year or so. Kinda tough when you aren't sure if things will work out. I'd kinda be bummed if I were to be stuck in NYC and have the relationship flop. More than that, it would be tough to transfer back to NJ if the relationship were to flop.



If you can't, then I think you need to talk to girl #1 to see if she will/can relocate nearer to you to have the relationship.


She is HUGE into theater work. Like Broadway. Which is why she moved from Alabama to NYC. Graduated from Juilliard and trying to make the most out of her passion. Moving away from that right now is not something she is leaning towards.



IMHO, the relationship with girl #2 is doomed from the start. It sounds like you will always be thinking about 'What If' with #1, and that isn't fair to her (and not to you, either). That kind of relationship is bound to fail - now, soon, or later.


You are more than likely right. I was thinking more a long the lines that it is weird right now because of the time lapse. Also since I have known girl 1 for 4 years now and girl 2 for much much shorter than that.

I gotta admit, I am girl dumb. I have trouble reading signs. Even the more obvious ones. Which, is a problem that I really need to work on lol.



The real problem is if girl #1 can't move closer, you can't find a decent job near her, and you still can only think of her.


Which is more than likely my case. Regardless if that is what I truly want.



At this point, you need to take a really honest look at your life. If you move closer to her, but can't get a good job, will she still like you? You have to KNOW that answer before you do something stupid.

In the end, you may want to think about girl #3 - someone you haven't had a relationship with yet, but is attainable and desireable, and lives close.

Hope this helps.


It helped a lot actually. Thanks for the time to respond. :cheers:

[btfoom]

I could more than likely transfer to all 50 states if there were an opening for my position or greater.

This has been playing on my mind a ton for the past year or so. Kinda tough when you aren't sure if things will work out. I'd kinda be bummed if I were to be stuck in NYC and have the relationship flop. More than that, it would be tough to transfer back to NJ if the relationship were to flop.


After reading your responses, I will give you one more piece of advice and then I'm going to bed.

I'm 41, have 3 great kids, and a wife that I still love.

My life hasn't gone exactly as I had planned (or even thought), but it is great for me.

If you think you have the chance to have a GREAT life, I would tell you to go for it. If Girl #1 is the ONE person that you think needs to be part of your life, and you can find a job there (I wouldn't have mentioned this 2 years ago, but you need to be careful these days), I think you owe it to yourself (and to her) to see if you can make it work. In my life, it has been better when I make a decision based on what I really want to do/know what the good answer should be rather than what is safe.

If you don't have any kids/ties to where you are right now, then I would say taking a shot at #1 is your best bet. Worst case scenario, you have a job but not her. Sucks, but you are still doing OK. You don't want to live 20 years of a 'safe' life and always think 'What Could Have Been.'

[praise_gibbs]

After reading your responses, I will give you one more piece of advice and then I'm going to bed.

I'm 41, have 3 great kids, and a wife that I still love.

My life hasn't gone exactly as I had planned (or even thought), but it is great for me.

If you think you have the chance to have a GREAT life, I would tell you to go for it. If Girl #1 is the ONE person that you think needs to be part of your life, and you can find a job there (I wouldn't have mentioned this 2 years ago, but you need to be careful these days), I think you owe it to yourself (and to her) to see if you can make it work. In my life, it has been better when I make a decision based on what I really want to do/know what the good answer should be rather than what is safe.

If you don't have any kids/ties to where you are right now, then I would say taking a shot at #1 is your best bet. Worst case scenario, you have a job but not her. Sucks, but you are still doing OK. You don't want to live 20 years of a 'safe' life and always think 'What Could Have Been.'


Thanks a lot brother. :cheers:

I appreciate your advice very much. I truly do.

[jthor99]

Anyone in the same boat as I am currently in? Can't be with the one you want and don't really want to be with the one you can be with?

I'll just give it to you at face-value. No need for all of the details and what not. Even though they would make this situation all the more understandable... Kinda want this thread to be about anyone else sharing their situation as opposed to it being about mine.


I have been talking to this girl for quite a while now. Well, at least 4 years now. We basically like each other. However, the timing is just bad. She lives in NYC working on her career and I am living in NJ trying to do the same.

Do you, risk losing a possible career to see if there is 'something' truly there after 4 years of basically talking?

The other girl, I have 'dated' before at the ripe age of like 10. She was 11 lol. She moved away, haven't heard from her, and then after 14 years, she shows up and wants to chill and what not. We hang out NYE and then will hang out again on Valentines Day. Cool girl but, I truly don't know how I feel tbh. Kinda awkward with the lapsed time and what not.

I am confident that I can have a relationship with 'girl #2" however, I truly am head over heals for "girl #1".

Anyone else find themselves in ****ed up situations like this?


Our lives are defined by opportunities....even the one's we miss

[DCSaints_fan]

Propose marriage to girl #1, if she says no move on to girl #2.

[praise_gibbs]

Ironically, this is a quote from a guy whom I read all of his writings. His quotes and view points are basically my way of trying to make sense of the details in my life. He kinda comes close 90% of the time..

"The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized--never knowing."
Jim Rohn

I think Jim kinda told me what to do here..

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

Go with girl #1. Life ain't **** without love imho. If everything else in life is horrible if you have true love you find a way to keep going. It's worth all the sacrafices it takes.

[btfoom]

Go with girl #1. Life ain't **** without love imho. If everything else in life is horrible if you have true love you find a way to keep going. It's worth all the sacrafices it takes.

AMEN brother, AMEN!!!!!

[SpringfieldSkins]

The thread title reminds me of the old Crosby, Stills and Nash song, Love the One You're With.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
Love the one you're with
Doo do, do do, do do, do doo! Do do do! Do, do, doo!

[Teller]

I was in your situation once, Dave. :silly:

Girl #1, in my case, threw herself at me. I mean, all over me, all the time. People looking at it from the outside were almost embarassed for her. Girl #2, was quiet, reserved, rarely even dropped a hint. But she wanted to go out too.

Well, you can guess which one the horn-dog 15-year old hog picked. #1. And when I realized door #2 was the correct choice, it was closed.

Life, I've found, is about big risk, big reward. Take the chance. Go for what you want. That's the only way you'll ever get it.

Good luck man. :cheers:

[dfitzo53]

The thread title reminds me of the old Crosby, Stills and Nash song, Love the One You're With.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
Love the one you're with
Doo do, do do, do do, do doo! Do do do! Do, do, doo!

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought of that song.

[twa]

Into theater?...are you sure you need the drama in your life?

Most every girl I have known in theater work are kinda bent,which is not always a bad thing.;)

[DeanCollins]

PG, you can't give up a career opportunity just "to see" what's up with girl #1. That's not being true to yourself and she'll perceive that as weakness and turn her back on you shortly after the move. It happens more often than not. This economy is way too risky for a move like that. Tell her that she rates high on your list but... Along those lines, I got to say that "love" is overrated. Friendship based on Mutual respect and admiration for the quality of character is much more important. Learning to love someone beats "love at first site" in the long run most every time.

Now I'm not saying to settle for girl #2 just because she's "there" either. Marriage and long term live in relationships have a heavy financial component to them. Choosing an SO should be considered as carefully as choosing a business partner. The household, investments, and retirement planning/savings are your business. And in this world, unless you're a doctor or have some other guaranteed several hundred thousand $$$$ a year profession, your SO will need to have a good career and business head on her shoulders and be like minded about goals. You do have goals don't you? :)

I know you guys think that I'm all about the money, but keep in mind that I'm successful and I'm happy. :D "Money won't buy you happiness, but it'll make one hell of a down payment" ;) This is all summed up in two great songs by the J. Geils band.

LOVE STINKS
J. Geils Band

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
Love Stinks!

First I Look at the Purse
by the J. Geils Band (The Contours)

Some fellas look at the eyes
Some fellas look at the nose
Some fellas look at the size
Some fellas look at the clothes
I don't care if her eyes are red
I don't care if her nose is long
I don't care if she's underfed
I don't care if her clothes are worn
First I look at the purse!

Some fellas like the smiles they wear
Some fellas like the legs that's all
Some fellas like the style of their hair
Want their waist to be small.

I don't care if their legs are thin
I don't care if their teeth are big
I don't care if their hair's a wig
Why waste time lookin' at the waistline?
First I look at the purse!

A woman can be fat as can be,
kisses sweet as honey
But that don't mean a thing to me
If you ain't got no money
If the purse is fat....that's where it's at.

Some fellas like the way they walk
The way they swing and sway
Some fellas like the way they talk
Dig the things they say.
I don't care if they wobble like a...
or talk with a lisp
I still think I'm a good lover
if the dollar bills are crisp
First I look at the purse!

I don't care if you got yourself a wrap
all I want is your pretty green cash
Bought me a suit, bought me a car
Want me to look like a hollywood star

[praise_gibbs]

Well, I hung out with girl #2 (Alex) today for V-Day. Had a wedding to go to for one of her co-workers. Early, but very eventful day (her babysitter crapped out on her so she had to head home for her daughter). We hit it off more than I truly thought we would. Ironically, in the middle of the date (there was three couples total for dinner) girl #1(Laura) sent me a text wishing me a Happy V-Day etc etc...

Gotta admit that it felt kinda weird. I was really feeling Alex when out of the blue Laura shows up via a text message. Tough situation but, it didn't 'ruin' my date with Alex.

In fact, Alex and I are gonna be hanging out again sometime this week. Gotta brush off the details and what not.

[China]

The thread title reminds me of the old Crosby, Stills and Nash song, Love the One You're With.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
Love the one you're with
Doo do, do do, do do, do doo! Do do do! Do, do, doo!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5IVuN1N6-Y