I'm divorcing my family...or some of them anyway

[ljs]

I've pondered posting on this, but I just need to vent. respond if you want, or not...just getting this off my chest. (sorry if its long)

My parents divorced about 29 years ago. My dad cheated, more than once and was overall not a good husband (not abusive, just a cheater). My mom left, and my dad pretty much didn't pay child support. My mom remarried a year later(my 2nd grade)- moved us to the midwest- eventually back to Washington state when I was in 7th grade. During this time I saw my dad on holidays and summer, but again, he rarely paid child support. And in those days- the courts did nothing about it. My older sister lived with him from 7th grade til graduation, but they have had a rocky relationship.
My dad remarried as well, and had two more kids. My younger bro and sis are 21 and 23. While my dad has been with my step mom for 28 years, my mom remarried/divorced twice. She is a perpetually unhappy woman, with so much hate for my dad, that she tends to bring it up even when the subject has nothing to do with him.
To add, over the years my older sis has developed hate for him for several and sorta understandable reasons.

About 7 years ago my dad found God and is now a Christian. But even before, he and I have always been close. I take after my dad in so many ways, and even though he wasn't there financially, I can always talk to him. Unlike my mom- who freaks out at the slightest thing.

Then enters my older brother- who after years of battling his issues(he caught my dad having an affair when he was 7) has forgiven my dad, even mentioning during his military retirement ceremony that my dad is the perfect example that its never too late to regain your salvation.
Well my older brother took his wife on a cruise to Alaska a couple weeks ago and dropped off my 16 & 14 yr old nieces. And behold, my mother thought it was up to her whether the girls go to see their grandfather. (only my mom has seen them in the last 3 years-they live in Georgia)

I drove to my moms (2 hrs from me) for a week, then took my nieces to my dads (4 hrs from my moms). We left on a Friday and my dad was to drive them back on Sunday. Well my dad is a real estate broker, and had to show a house on Sunday-plus the girls didn't get ready in time to leave so he was 2 hrs late getting them back. (mind you, there was no real reason for the time frame, only cause my mom is a total control freak). Plus, my younger niece called my mom on Saturday- begging to stay one more day- and my mom refused. My dad on the other hand was not fighting, he is so laid back its ridiculous. He just prays and said he would do what the girls wanted. He avoids conflict at all costs.

So I'm driving home Sunday, as my dad is driving the girls back to my moms. I get a message from my older sister-"We know you are involved in this scheme dad is pulling with the girls. I can't believe you would do this to our mom. You are never allowed back in my home and don't bother coming back next weekend, you aren't welcome." (oh, we were having more family fly in, my brother was to be back from cruise and we were having a big family reunion-at my sisters house)

I'm like, WTF? My sister always gets mad at me cause I have a relationship with our dad and the younger siblings, and she refuses. She holds as much hate as my mom does. So I leave her a message saying I had no idea what she was talking about-and no one, not even my mom called me all week.

So Thursday night my mom calls and asks what time I'm coming home. Huh? I told her about my sisters message, which my mom says she knew about. Then procedes to defend my sister and starts screaming at me about my dad "playing games". I had no desire to argue, and set the phone down. I finally just hung it up, after telling her she would be lucky if I ever came back there again. I've ****ing had it. I'm sick and tired of being the bad guy cuz I love my dad. He's always been there for me. I don't care if he's had money or not, when I've needed him-he's only a phone call away. He didn't do anything wrong...and I'm not going to hate him for something he did 30 years ago-and has already been forgiven by God long ago.

The really really sad part is how this affected my nieces. At one point my mom started screaming at me and the younger one, even cursed at us for no reason- we were only goofing around. I swear my mom has mental problems, I'm not joking. The whole family knows it, even my psychiatrist uncle(her brother) knows it. Not sure if its' bipoloar or what...but I can't do this anymore. And my older sister- she can take her $500k house, her ******* husband and shove it up her self rightous ass.

I didn't go home, I went to a softball tournament instead. I also had to explain to my niece, who worships the ground I walk on, that I wasn't coming back and how sorry I was...she's like my kid, and it just sucks that she had to be around for this. And that I have no idea when I'll see her again. She's disapointed I didn't come back, but she doesn't understand the years of mental torment my mom and my sister have put me through. I love my mom, she has done a lot, she raised me. But, I just couldn't go back...I can't deal with her anymore and I don't know how to repair this.

[SpringfieldSkins]

It sounds like your mom needs to act like an adult. Coming from a divorced family, I have long since forgiven my own father for the terrible things that he did. Much like your own father, mine found god and a became great parent. Luckily for me, my parents have reconciled their differences.


I don't think it is impossible to put your differences aside with some one who you have had bad experiences with. It is particularly important to do this when there are children involved.



I am all for working through problems. When all else fails you have yourself stuck in the situation you are right now. Just remember, it's never too late to say "I'm sorry."

[SC_RedskinsFan]

I have not talked to my "mom" in a year and a half.

[Special K]

Jeez ljs, I'm really sorry to hear about that whole mess. That's awful that your mom became unhinged in front of the nieces, that's absolutely ridiculous...that really upsets me when adults cannot seem to compose themselves and act in a manner that subjects kids to the least amount of harm possible in messed up situations like that. I hope you are able to work things out with your family.

Do any of your family members receive counseling?

[skinsgirl26]

Wow ljs, I'm really sorry you're goin through such a difficult time. My Mom's got 7 brothers and sisters and needless to say there's been plenty of problems - and it's never easy, especially when it comes to controlling (or out of control) mothers. I hope things get better for you, I can only imagine how difficult this is, but it's not your fault and as long as you're doing what you think is best for you and your family it will all work out eventually...just keep your head up. I'll pray for you that things work out soon. And your niece will forgive you, no matter how upset she was, just don't give up on your relationship.

[Rudechain]

speaking from some personal experience.

Never shut that door completely. People do change, and if you shut the door you may miss out on something wonderful later on.

In the meantime, alleviate yourself form the drama. Your Nieces know how you feel and they are old enough to find ways to get in touch with you. Let them know how much you care for them and that you love them.

It's amazing the effect those kids can have on the situation.

My wife and I ended up raising my nephew and niece due to my step sister's drug problem and incarceration. Well she is a bit of a head case and full of drama. When she got out of prison, she told us all the right things of how she had changed, and was now on the right track. The sad part is she put her kids, ( well screw it they are my kids as my wife and I raised them) through many ups and downs. Praising them and telling them one moment she loved them, then scolding them endlessly for spilling milk in my home.

Eventually, we adopted them, and it was quite an ordeal. You see, the courts stripped her parental rights the 2nd time she went to prison. But we always told the kids that their mother still loved them, but she simply was sick and unable to care for them.

Well my stepsister went off the deep end, calling child protective services and stating we beat the kids and had a tray full of cocaine under the couch. ( no cocaine, and I spanked my nephew one time with my open hand for stealing and then fibbing to me about it)

Things got really rough after that, and my step sister spread drama to all parts of our family and extended family. She could be very convincing with some of her stories, and at one time my other step sister and her husband drove from Texas unannounced on her word we were abusing the kids.

Well, my nephew is now in his 2nd year of college under a full scholarship. ( let me tell you I am very proud of him. He was classified as a special ed student when he moved in with us and we knew better. We fought the school system tooth and nail on this and he proved us right) Our niece is starting her freshman year at American University of Paris this fall, and she's my little angel. ( only a partial scholarship but it's her dream and she was accepted so you do for your kids what you can to help them realize their dreams)

but anyways, I digress. Sorry, I get easily sidetracked when talking about my babies. Their mother, my stepsister created a lot of drama and nearly tore our family apart. Eventually, the entire family, through some intense discussions, realized we needed to step away from her.

So we all stepped back, and did not allow her to get so involved in our lives. In turn, we did not involve ourselves in her life. We offered encouragement in fighting her addictions, but that was really about it.

She ended up going to a rehab, I think it was her 3rd time, but this time it stuck. She went back to school, and found her foundation through a higher power. I spoke with her on father's day and she actually thanked me for taking care of the kids.

My heart goes out to you, but don't slam that door. Leave it ajar just a little bit.

[Midnight Judges]

Did you have your older brother and his wife's permission to leave your nieces alone with your Dad for the weekend?

[chipwhich]

There is a simple answer to the question, being I have suffered multiple losses this past year in the family.

If the member passes, will you be ok that you shut them off?

[Riggins77]

Go out in a blaze of glory........****'em

[Chachie]

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-family-counseling.htm


Just throwing it up there to click and examine. I wanted to say more than "Sucks, good luck." I like you. You are a good person here on the board and it sounds like you're a good person within your strained family environment.

This sucks. Good luck. :cool:

[ljs]

Sad story.

One question. Was your brother OK with his daughters seeing your dad? If so, what business was it of your sister's.
My bro has no issues with my dad-said of course my dad could see the girls. I spent the weekend at my dads with nieces, we all left on a Sunday. The only issue I had w/ my bro is that he left all the planning up to "us"....like throwing meat to a pack of wolves and expecting them to be nice in how they divide it up ya know? Although it was more my mom/sister being the wolf and the rest of us standing back watching.


http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-family-counseling.htm
Just throwing it up there to click and examine. I wanted to say more than "Sucks, good luck." I like you. You are a good person here on the board and it sounds like you're a good person within your strained family environment.

This sucks. Good luck. :cool:

Thanks. I was in bouts of counseling as a kid dealing with the "who am I" thing. Everytime they tried to talk to my mom she just freaked out. Nothing is ever her fault-hell even the week I was home she would blame me for putting stuff in the wrong spot and I hadn't been there in 6months. I also know she started drinking quite a bit a few years ago, and although she tries to hide it...I think that is making her worse.

I'm sure that at some point I'll talk to her, just need a break right now. I just really hope nothing happens to either of us before then. I think I'll write her a letter, cause she will never let me speak my peace without flipping out. Then at least I've said my part.

[jive_crankin]

I'd say don't divorce them...you have to take the good with the bad. It's not like your story is un-common. It's definitely never to late for a person to change hopefully your mom will and things will get better.

[matty dread]

Families sure can suck man, trouble is you can't pick your family.

My wife and I recently went through some serious BS with her Aunt and Uncle who were previously like a 2nd set of parents to her. My wife's Mom died last fall, (her Dad passed back in '97) and the death of her Mom just totally sparked some true craziness in the Aunt and Uncle. Long story short we don't talk to them anymore, probably never will. Some things were said that there is no coming back from.

It's a shame really, but sometimes it's best to cut ties with people, even family.

[Capt Rich Fla]

ljs, thanks for posting this. I'm sorry for your grief, but your story helps guys like me figure out how to behave in our own separated family life. Thing is, I'm not with my kids all the time, and I don't want this to affect them in a negative way. I know they will be affected by divorce, but what can I do as the dad to keep their hearts with me? I'm not trying to get them to hate their mom, or beat her out as a parent, but they are my blood. There seems to be all kinds of parenting books out there, but few on being the divorced dad. (maybe there is a book oppurtunity there for me);)

[dchogs]

a letter is a good idea. word to the wise (from personal experience), write your letter, put is aside for a bit, then re-read it and make appropriate edits. the first draft will likely contain a lot of raw emotion that may blur the topic at hand.

[Jeeb]

I've cut a few people in my family out of my life for the most part. Even at only 22 I gave up trying to deal with them. I really don't see the point in bending over backwards for people who do nothing but infuriate me just because the only association I have with them is we share the same blood.

Then again I am a bit more angry and unforgiving than an average person. Oh wells.

[THE OUTSIDER]

I'm all to familiar with bad relatives. I have said many times to myself that if I'd catch the lotto, they'll NEVER hear from me again.

As for your situation, yes, your mom may have issues, but look at it from her point of view. She was the one cheated on by your father and was left to raise you without any financial help from your dad. It takes more than love to raise a child.

[SnyderShrugged]

Gosh, this thread makes me sad on your behalf LJS. I hate hearing about family strife, especially when the strife is surmountable if everyone involved would just be willing to communicate.

I hope this all works out for you hon.

[ldysknzfn1]

Sorry for the drama. Taking a break can be relationship saving in the long run. I agree with most of the consensus. Don't divorce them completely. You only get 1 mom..so she's not perfect but she's the only 1 you have...I don't mean for you to be a door mat either tho. I think you've done the right thing for you at this time. Time away can make a world of difference.

My husband has a large family (11 siblings) and there's always drama going on. I had never been affected by it until last football season after the Browns game. I used to watch the games w/my brother & sister-in-law. Out of the blue, I got a text message from the s-i-l telling me I was no longer welcome in their home to watch the games. I tried to find out what the deal was and all I got was the run around so I just gave up. I try to treat both of them w/respect when the family gathers but that episode definitely changed the way I feel about them. I said that to say this..I didn't completely shut them out (not that I didn't want to do that) and I've tried to treat them as if nothing happened..I believe that makes me the bigger person...or maybe it makes me the idiot either way..I can look myself in the mirror at the end of the day.

You're not the only one who has family issues...good luck with it and I think you've made the right choice for now. I wish you well on your journey to understand your family. As Desmond Tutu says, "We can't pick our family, they're God's gift to us and we are to them." Or something like that.

[Predicto]

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Small piece of advice - I would not burn my bridges anymore than I have to - things may change in the future.

Otherwise, you have to do what is best for you.

[ljs]

......but what can I do as the dad to keep their hearts with me? I'm not trying to get them to hate their mom, or beat her out as a parent, but they are my blood.

My best advice- don't talk crap about your wife in front of your kids. Be the bigger person. They don't need to hear it, and it will only make them wonder if you don't like them since they live with her, and are part of her. I remember my moms mom talking bad about my dad when I was little. I got really upset cause it made me think she didn't love me as much as the other grandkids. She really has never said anything since.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who hated to see my parents fight. My dad isn't innocent in the last 30 y ears, but seriously in the last 7years he hasn't done anything wrong. Sometimes money isn't everything and his emotional support through the years surpasses anything my mom can provide.

[jbooma]

People have issues with their family all the time so there is nothing wrong with that. Just remember no matter how much you are mad or at odds with your family you only get one. When they are gone you will miss them so try not to let petty stuff get in the way of the short amount of time we all have with them.

[ECU-ALUM]

ljs I am sorry that you are going through this with your family.

I used to have family issues with my dad and then one event made us take long look at our relationship.

It took the death of my older brother to make us realize that we couldn't change what had been done but we could try to move forward in a new direction and our realtionship is pretty good now.

I am not telling you what to do...you're an adult capable of making your own choices...just make sure that whatever choices you make that you can live with them. I hope time and peace of mind will bring you the answers to that you are looking for.

[Destino]

"He didn't do anything wrong"

Yes he did. The fallout of what your father did is what is causing friction with your mother. Your mom was shaped by the fact that your dad broke her heart and left her to fight to raise you while he skirted his responsibility. Probably pissed her off even more that while she struggled and he turned his back, he had no problem being "friendly".... as long as he never had to sacrifice anything at all. Ever. I can completely understand the long lasting anger. I can also understand the feelings that games are being played. He was great to you... in all things that didn't cost him anything.

I'm not saying that he's still a bad guy, just that trying to right off a lifetime of betrayal and irresponsibility as your mom having issues isn't right. That's your mother. If she hates her dad, it's her right to do so. No matter how great that man is to you, he hurt her for a long time.