Parental Paranoia: Have things changed that much?

[grhqofb5]

Let me premise this thread by stating the following: I am expecting my first child in February, and am becoming more attuned to issues I believe I'm going to encounter as a father. I'm dovetailing of the trick or treat thread because this is a larger issue that had me concerned.

When I was a child, I lived in a townhouse community where things appeared to be fairly safe. My parents, from the time I was about 4 or 5 or so, allowed me to go to the local playground by myself, walk up the street to my friends' houses by myself, go to the bus stop (which was supervised only by student "patrols") and generally play around the neighborhood with other children with minimal parental supervision. A portion of the time I may have been with my older brother, who was 2 years ahead of me, but not always.

I now live in a single family home subdivision, which I'd say is relatively safe. My wife and I are probably the youngest couple in the neighborhood, but there are quite a few parents in their mid to late 30s with young children. What I've begun to notice since I've moved to the neighborhood, and moreso since I've become an expecting father, is the constant supervision these children seem to be under.

For example, the elementary school bus stop up the street has no less than 5 parents standing there, waiting with the children every morning. I rarely see a child playing outside without a parent somewhere in the vicinity. When it does occur, I've heard parents say to other children things like "where are your parents?" or "please go home and get your parents" if a child is playing unsupervised with their children on their property, i.e. in ther driveway.

Is this type of parental supervision normal now? Was it always this way, but I just didn't notice? Am I setting myself up for being a "delinquent parent" if I allow my 5 year old to play without me being outside to watch him/her constantly?

How are things handled in your community?

[skinsfan07]

I feel you man. When I was little, we would go outside at 10 in the morning and not come back til it got dark, maybe once or twice to "check in" so that our parents knew we were okay, but other than that there was no supervision by parents AT ALL. Just a bunch of kids having fun. I don't have any children but if/when I do, I have to say that I might be a little skeptical to let them do the same things we would do when we were kids b/c of how many more "child molesters" it seems like are popping up everywhere. Maybe it's just me, or maybe the media has decided to bring it to the forefront, but it def. wasn't like that when I was a kid.

[Stugein]

I can't speak for other areas, but in my neighborhood it's pretty relaxed. My sons are 10 and 6 and I pretty much kick them out the door any chance I get. The 6 year old has to stay on our street but is allowed to go all up and down and across and play in his friends' yards. My 10 year old is allowed to hop on his bike and go to friends' houses all over the neighborhood and as far as the next township over providing he takes his cell phone along so that he can call home if he's going to be late or if there's a problem of some sort.

There is one kid..a kid who lives on the next street over from us that other kids have to go TO in order to play with, since his parents won't allow him to go away from his home more than one house in either direction..but they're the exception. Most parents around here just sort of keep an eye out the window and just yell out the door when they see someone's kid doing something stupid.

[grhqofb5]

I can't speak for other areas, but in my neighborhood it's pretty relaxed. My sons are 10 and 6 and I pretty much kick them out the door any chance I get. The 6 year old has to stay on our street but is allowed to go all up and down and across and play in his friends' yards. My 10 year old is allowed to hop on his bike and go to friends' houses all over the neighborhood and as far as the next township over providing he takes his cell phone along so that he can call home if he's going to be late or if there's a problem of some sort.

There is one kid..a kid who lives on the next street over from us that other kids have to go TO in order to play with, since his parents won't allow him to go away from his home more than one house in either direction..but they're the exception. Most parents around here just sort of keep an eye out the window and just yell out the door when they see someone's kid doing something stupid.

Are you in a more urban type of setting, a subdivision, etc.? Just curious- do parents stand at the bus stop with their 10 year old children?

[PF Chang]

There is one kid..a kid who lives on the next street over from us that other kids have to go TO in order to play with, since his parents won't allow him to go away from his home more than one house in either direction..but they're the exception.

Bleh. I would have resented my parents for that.

[twa]

5 is to young to roam(even on your block) imo
in your yard or even better in a fenced section is preferable

I had all kinds of freedom at five,too much so

[rictus58]

I'm curious. Are the parents at the bus stop stay at home parents? I feel they are going to be more controlling in general. I was a latch key kid at 7. I had to call my parents when I came home from school. Both of my parents HAD to work to provide my family with a better life.
I think now it'd be against the law to do what they did. It might have been then for all I know.
I have a 6 year old. I don't let her play out front by herself. Out back I have no problem with.

[alexey]

I think that there are several issues at play here. More people + more mobility means that your children are statistically more likely to run into some sort of a freak out there. Also, most places don't seem to have as tight communities as they used to because people move around more often.

[grhqofb5]

I'm curious. Are the parents at the bus stop stay at home parents? I feel they are going to be more controlling in general. I was a latch key kid at 7. I had to call my parents when I came home from school. Both of my parents HAD to work to provide my family with a better life.
I think now it'd be against the law to do what they did. It might have been then for all I know.
I have a 6 year old. I don't let her play out front by herself. Out back I have no problem with.

The parents I see out there are a mix, but mostly professionals (some in shirts and ties) with their cars parked on the side of the street, but standing outside with their children and socializing with the other parents. A couple are "work from home" or stay at home parents. In my day, the parents came to the bus stop for about the first week of school, then it was time to cut the strings. If a parent kept creeping around the bus stop, it would have been very strange and would have pissed off most of the kids. The bus stop was a place where kids could go to socialize with each other, without the burdern of parental or teacher supervision. Just student patrols is all that was needed. The older kids took care of the younger ones.

[China]

Reminds me of the Doug Stanhope bit. Go to the 1:55 mark. WARNING: NSFW language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8APlx9btTn8

[rictus58]

I think that there are several issues at play here. More people + more mobility means that your children are statistically more likely to run into some sort of a freak out there. Also, most places don't seem to have as tight communities as they used to because people move around more often.

That's a good point and something I have never considered.

[pjfootballer]

Unfortunately times have changed and you really have to keep an eye on your child. I can remember not ever fearing getting abducted in my neighborhood, but I'm sure it could have happened.

[grhqofb5]

I think that there are several issues at play here. More people + more mobility means that your children are statistically more likely to run into some sort of a freak out there. Also, most places don't seem to have as tight communities as they used to because people move around more often.

I agree that there are generally more people out there, but I think that issue is mooted out when you're dealing with a community setting. I believe that much of it has to do with the media, national news reports relating to child abduction, etc. That happenings in Tucson, Arizona were not generally publicized in Gaithersburg, MD back 20 years ago, not the way there are today with the 24 hour national news channels. For us, it was Channel 9 news, and then the evening news which dealt with the more serious national issues. Don't get me wrong, many of these stories make my blood run cold, and I can see why a parent with a young child might alter their style of supervision after reading about Jaycee Dugard.

[Larry]

I'll certainly agree that the rules for children have changed.

How many of us wore bike helmets as a kid? Now days, it seems like if you allow your kid to ride without one, you'll be prosecuted for child abuse.

Our neighborhood had an elementary school in the middle of it. The only kids who didn't walk/bike to school were the black kids who were bussed in. (I remember envying them, because they got fed lunch, but I had to go home and eat lunch with Mom.) I lived two houses from the school, but many of my friends lived 6-8 blocks from the school. (In the opposite direction.) In fact, I don't think I had a friend who lived within 5-6 blocks of me.

I had a paper route. I'd ride my bike probably 60 blocks, total, every day, delivering papers. (Total distance ridden. I was probably never more than 10-12 blocks from home.) But I was totally alone, and I was in elementary school at the time. (Might have been in Jr High. But I know it couldn't have been later than 7th grade, because that's what grade I was in when we left that town.)

So, yeah, I think it's pretty clear that things have changed in the way kids are treated, now days.

Now, is there a good reason for it?

I think there are, at least in some cases.

To revert to my "bike helmet" point, earlier: No, I don't believe that bikes, today, are any more dangerous than they were when I was a kid. (And I remember, when I was 17 or so, riding my bike on a major, four-lane, divided, 50 MPH speed limit, road that didn't have sidewalks, for about a mile. It was only for a special reason. I was taking care of some cats for a friend who was on vacation. So I only did it for a week or so. But I did it.)

To me, the whole bike helmet thing is parental paranoia / political correctness / whatever.

However, is there a valid reason, now days, for parents to be more concerned about their child being kidnapped, than 30 years ago? I think there might well be.

I'm not certain that it's possible to quantify if the danger is greater, now days. IMO, lately, there's been a huge increase in the number of things that get reported, and in what people now call sex offenders. And they get a lot more publicity. So much so that I'm not certain that it would be possible for someone to compare today vs 30 years ago, but to separate out the effects of, say, increased reporting, vs actual increases in the number of incidents.

But my gut thinks that there are more incidents. And more violent ones.

Remember once seeing an interview with a guy who worked trying to find kidnapped kids. He said that all of the increased attention, with Amber Alerts and TV ads and milk cartons and grocery store posters and ID checks at elementary schools may have done a lot to fuel the increase in violence against kids.


His statement was that, in the old days, a pedophile would kidnap a kid by telling the kid that he'd been adopted. That his parents had decided to get rid of him for being such a bad kid, and that I'm your new Daddy, now. He'd give the kid a new name. Move him to a new state. And he'd sign the kid up for school, and he'd "be Daddy" as the kid grew up. The pedophile would keep one kid for 10 years. (Until the kid got to be too old to be fun any more.)

But that doesn't work (for the pedophile) any more. Now there's too much attention on the kid. It's too dangerous for him to keep the kid around, any more. Now days, the pedophile will forceably kidnap a kid, spend a day or so raping him, then kill him. The kid "lasts" about a day. (This also means that the pedophile starts looking for a new kid, a few months later.)

But like I said. My gut says that there's a reason for at least some of the increased caution.

[Stugein]

Are you in a more urban type of setting, a subdivision, etc.? Just curious- do parents stand at the bus stop with their 10 year old children?

We live in a suburban neighborhood of single family homes in NJ, just a few miles outside of Philadelphia.

The lower elementary school kids tend to have a few parents out there with them. Like your Kindergartners and 1st graders. Beyond that...no, not really. Once the kids are past that you don't see it so much. Hell, my 10 year old has usually left for the bus stop while I'm still getting dressed for work.

[Skinz4Life12]

damn, back when i was riding the bus to school there were never any parents at the bus stop that i can remember.

there was one kid who would have his mom or dad walk him to the bus stop but thats it. no parents ever hung around in the mornings, it was just us kids and i lived in a small 50 house neighborhood

[rictus58]

Is it too early in the thread to blame Nancy Grace?

[Bliz]

Is this type of parental supervision normal now? Was it always this way, but I just didn't notice? Am I setting myself up for being a "delinquent parent" if I allow my 5 year old to play without me being outside to watch him/her constantly?

How are things handled in your community?

5 seems a little young, maybe, but I guess you just have to know your kids and know your community. As a parent, you have to keep them safe, but you also have to help them develop into independence. It's baby steps, and it definitely varies with the maturity of the kid and the particulars of the neighborhood. In my neighborhood, there are several boys who are probably 8 or so who are always playing in the street with no parents in sight. The 5 year olds usually have parents in sight, but not hovering.

I don't really know what I'll do or when I'll do it. My daughter is 2, so we have a ways to go yet. Don't overthink it, and don't push them before they're ready. Go with the flow and do what seems right. Besides, you have much bigger things to worry about than when your kids will finally be old enough to play outside by themselves

[alexey]

To me, the whole bike helmet thing is parental paranoia / political correctness / whatever.
I'm kind of torn on the whole bike helmet thing. On one hand it seems a bit excessive. On the other hand, at some point seatbelts also seemed a bit excessive...

I just did some quick research on this - looks like there is a lot of data and discussion out there. I was surprised because I expected there to be more convincing data arguing for benefits of bicycle helmets.

[grhqofb5]

I'm kind of torn on the whole bike helmet thing. On one hand it seems a bit excessive. On the other hand, at some point seatbelts also seemed a bit excessive...

I just did some quick research on this - looks like there is a lot of data and discussion out there.

When I was about 13, the bike helmet law came into effect in Maryland. I stopped riding my bike because of it. Probably about that time anyways.

[FerndaleSkins]

Our neighborhood has a child sex offender living a block up from our house. Needless to say we don't let our 8 year old daughter roam the streets cause this man doesn't work and all he does is walk around all day. Although when we go camping we let her have alot more freedom to roam, albeit with a walkie talkie so she can call for help if she needs it.

I do think that there is more child predators these days, at least in this internet age you can see how many live near you. The MD sex offender registry has opened up our eyes and darn near nowhere is safe.

[Larry]

I'm kind of torn on the whole bike helmet thing. On one hand it seems a bit excessive. On the other hand, at some point seatbelts also seemed a bit excessive...

I just did some quick research on this - looks like there is a lot of data and discussion out there. I was surprised because I expected there to be more convincing data arguing for benefits of bicycle helmets.

You mentioned seat belts, and you're surprised that there are people arguing against bike helmets?

Heck, I'd assume that there are people out there loudly yelling that bike helmets are dangerous for one reason or another. Like the people arguing against motorcycle helmets.

[Larry]

Our neighborhood has a child sex offender living a block up from our house. Needless to say we don't let our 8 year old daughter roam the streets cause this man doesn't work and all he does is walk around all day. Although when we go camping we let her have alot more freedom to roam, albeit with a walkie talkie so she can call for help if she needs it.

I do think that there is more child predators these days, at least in this internet age you can see how many live near you. The MD sex offender registry has opened up our eyes and darn near nowhere is safe.

You are aware that the vast majority of those "sex offenders" did such vicious things like, when they were 16, have consensual sex with a 14 year old girl, outside a high school football game?

Yeah, there are some people out there who kidnapped 8 year olds and tortured them to death. (But damn few. Those people don't get let out, mostly.) But the vast majority of the people in those registries are there for doing things that many people think should be misdemeanors.

[nonniey]

My wife and I are guilty of some of this kind of Supervision. My Daughter goes no where by herself we do watch her from our house when she gets picked up at the busstop but not when she is dropped off. Unfortuantely I picked the wrong neighborhood (I picked out the house). There are no other kids living within a half mile. I'd like to think I let my girl run around with other kids if they were available. I actually really worry about my daughter not having the same freedom I did as a kid (And being generally bored).

[Larry]

Do kids now days actually play anything that doesn't involve electronics?

[twa]

Do kids now days actually play anything that doesn't involve electronics?

Yes,if the parents are sensible (not that I object to electronics)
Really I think time to simply play is more of a issue with all the activities many try to fit in.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

There is a smaller sense of community these days in my opinion. In the neighborhood in which I grew up, we knew every kid and adult on our entire street. Of course, if you turned down some of the side streets, we didn't know everyone THAT well, but it was a lot more close-knit. If we were playing outside of Timmy's house 3 blocks away, Timmy's mom knew me and so did all the moms or adults between Timmy's house and my house. If I needed anything or got hurt, any one of those houses was a safe place to go or be near. At the same time, the comfort that my parents had was because there were a million eyes on the group of kids. If anyone saw something that didn't look right, it wouldn't get very far with all the "parents" who were keeping an eye on us.

I don't know if this was more prevalent because there were fewer households with two working parents (allowing parents to become closer and more comfortable with one another), fewer after-school/work activities that resulted in more neighborhood social gatherings, etc. But that's how it felt. I'm lucky now to live in a neighborhood where we know everyone a few houses down from us in both directions on both sides of the street (probably 8-10 families total). That's great and seems very social but doesn't compare to knowing everyone within a half-mile of your house in either direction.

Sadly, things have changed. Kids make friends from school who don't live near them and they stay in touch outside of school via cell phones, IM, Facebook, etc. They play video games and watch DVDs inside. Parents are the same. There just seems to be less incentive to become very close with your neighbors. Like I said, we're lucky that our surrounding neighbors are of a similar age, have kids in the same age groups, and are mostly social. We have parties, cookouts, etc. and have a good time. But I still don't think it reaches the level it used to...

[GoSkins561]

I think this is a fair question, I also think it's a question that will answer itself once you have your first. I have two boys, one 5, the other 2 and live in western Maryland where the crime rate is pretty low.

I'm not really worried about the boogie man, I'm more worried about the fearlessness of my 5 year old with my 2 year old in tow and the damage that can be done in a couple of seconds. So yes I do hang outside with my kids when they're playing.

I think when you have your first you'll be right there with us in our paranoia.

[GoSkins561]

Do kids now days actually play anything that doesn't involve electronics?

You're right, video games are a huge issue with a lot of kids.

My son has a Nintendo DS and he hasn't played it for weeks, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I have seen him turn it on. He always wants to be outside kicking balls at his soccer net, playing football, baseball, soccer, riding his bike, playing with bugs etc.

I'm going to buy him a Wii in a couple of months because I'm not really worried nor will I allow him to become a video game crack head.

I'm anxiously awaiting the day when our entire family has season passes to White Tail(local ski resort) for tons of winter skiing and snowboarding fun.

Here is how I see it, if you're a parent and you sit on the computer all of the time, your kids will do the same. If you're active play sports, workout and do healthy activities video game addictions will not be a problem.

[thebluefood]

I feel you man. When I was little, we would go outside at 10 in the morning and not come back til it got dark, maybe once or twice to "check in" so that our parents knew we were okay, but other than that there was no supervision by parents AT ALL. Just a bunch of kids having fun. I don't have any children but if/when I do, I have to say that I might be a little skeptical to let them do the same things we would do when we were kids b/c of how many more "child molesters" it seems like are popping up everywhere. Maybe it's just me, or maybe the media has decided to bring it to the forefront, but it def. wasn't like that when I was a kid.

Same here. I lived in a townhouse community myself in NOVA when I was a kid and my folks would basically shove me out the door in the afternoon and tell me "come back home before the street lights come on."

I mean, that was only 7 or 8 years ago, too. Have things changed that much?

[Larry]

My parents ordered me out of the house. I wanted to stay inside and read.

[thebluefood]

Thing is I played video games, too, as a kid, with my friends; but we also liked to play football and basketball outside.