joke of the day

[Coach Williams]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal.

The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK".

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK".

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."



:doh: :puke:

[Dallsux]

:doh: That is just...wrong... :laugh::puke: :laugh: :puke: :doh:

[Park City Skins]

One day, a man went up to God and asked, "God, how many years is 1000 earth years for you?"

And God replied, "A second".

Then the man asked, "How much is 10 million dollars for you?"

And God replied again, "A penny."

So, the man asked him one more question, "So, God could you give me a penny?"

God said, "Sure, one sec."







Bill, a very shy guy, walks into a pub and notices a beautiful brunette sitting at the bar alone. He orders a drink and nurses it for about an hour before he gets enough courage to talk to her.

'Um, would you mind if I talk to you?' he says.

She announces at the top of her lungs, 'No, I won't sleep with you tonight!'

Everyone in the bar turns to look at them. Bill is completely embarrassed and walks back to his seat.

The brunette feels sorry for Bill so she decides to apologize for her behavior.

'I'm sorry about that,' she says. 'I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.'

Bill looks at her and yells, 'What do you mean, $200 an hour?'

[Park City Skins]

Q: How Does Michael Jackson pick his nose?



A: Out of a catalog




There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. They didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. We keep all the oil in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, but all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.






An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Chopper Dave]

Disclaimer: These jokes could be offensive, so read at your own risk.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a tree?
Trees don't have sex with little boys.
_______________________________

How do you stop a clown from laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
_______________________________

What did the retarded apple say?
Meow.
_______________________________

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Want to ride a bike?
_______________________________

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whorehouse and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said, "No!" He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door! The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"
_______________________________

What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea
_______________________________

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her.
_______________________________

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash off her crack and sell it again.
_______________________________

Two muffins are in an oven. One says, "Goodness, it's awfully hot
in here." The other says, "HOLY SH*T, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
_______________________________

What do you call 300 white guys chasing a black guy?
The PGA Tour
_______________________________

A girl and her father are sitting in the park. The girl sees two spiders mating.

She's says to her father, "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?"
The father says, "They're making baby spiders."
The daughter asks, "What kind of spider is that on top?"
He answers, "The one on top is a daddy long legs."
The girl asks, "Is the one on the bottom a mommy long legs?"
The dad says, "No, that one is a daddy long legs, too."
The girls stands up, steps on the spiders, and says, "Well, we're not having any of the that sh*t around here."

[webnarc]

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[Ancalagon the Black]

In the vein of DCogan's offensive jokes ;),

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

[Chopper Dave]

Originally posted by Ancalagon the Black
In the vein of DCogan's offensive jokes ;),

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

I was going to go there, but I restrained myself. It's a classic, though.

[Symbol]

Originally posted by Ancalagon the Black
In the vein of DCogan's offensive jokes ;),

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.



That's just wrong. It's a good thing that nothing offends me. :D