China
March-22nd-2005, 01:23 PM
Office Meetings (http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/03_voices/scheduledmeetings/scheduledmeetings.asp)
Monday 3/21
8:30am - 9:00am meeting
Subject: Weekly Meeting Review
Description: Discussion of upcoming meetings for the week.
9:30am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Phone Usage
Description: Personal phone calls can have a negative effect on productivity; over time they could cost the company hundreds of dollars. If you must make a personal phone call, please use payphones located in the parking lot or next to the employee toilet.
11:00am - 11:45am meeting
Subject: Employee Parking
Description: Starting March 15th we will be leasing out 3/4ths of the employee parking lot as a truck rest stop. We urge all staff members to arrive an hour early each day to secure a spot. Please note that there is no all-day street parking available within a five mile radius of the company building. Also note that the company will not reimburse you for any parking or towing fees you may or will incur.
12:00pm - 12:15pm meeting
Subject: Pre-lunch Daily Report
Description: Department members to discuss their progress thus far in the day.
12:46pm - 1:00pm meeting
Subject: Post-lunch Warning
Description: Lately employees have taken lunches in excess of 30 minutes. A meeting has been scheduled to see who shows up on time. Those who do not will be required to attend a mandatory two-week Lunch Scheduling training seminar.
1:30pm - 4:00pm meeting
Subject: Department Objectives
Description: What is the purpose of your department? And can the company potentially exist without it?
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Tuesday 3/22
8:30am - 8:45am meeting
Subject: Hardhat distribution
Description: While we initiate the installation of even brighter fluorescent lights above your cubicles, all staff are required to wear a hard hat. This will protect the company from lawsuits should any new light fixtures fall upon, lacerate or otherwise severely and/or permanently injure staff.
9:30am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Sexual harassment policy
Description: Have you been a victim of sexual harassment in the workplace? If so, this meeting will address how not to dress like a prostitute.
11:00am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Meet and greet with Human Resources
Description: Introduce yourself to HR!
Possible Conversation Topics:
- What happened to your last paycheck;
- Friends reruns!
12:30pm - 1:30pm meeting
Subject: Drug screening
Description: Our mandatory in-house monthly drug screening of all employees. Please note that, due to a shortage of drug testers, you will be required to urinate in front of all staff to ensure accurate results.
4:15pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Self-Evaluations
Description: All staff members are required to turn in their self-evaluations at the end of the week. Please ask your manager to help you write your self-evaluation.
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Wednesday 3/23
8:30am - 9:45am meeting
Subject: Cell Phones
Description: Cell phones can be a major distraction at work, and therefore we need to discuss some of these issues. Ringtones by Cannibal Corpse and/or Anal **** are to be suspended until further notice.
11:00am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Security Badge Photos
Description: Due to an upgrade of our security system, all employees will need to be photographed again for new security badges. There will be a one-time fee of $55 for your new badges, which we will deduct from your next paycheck, as well as a monthly fee of $49.99 to maintain the security photograph database.
12:45pm - 3:00pm meeting
Subject: Scavenger Hunt
Description: In an effort to improve employee morale, the company will dividing all staff into groups of eight for a fun scavenger hunt event that will teach the value of teamwork. Employee paychecks will be scattered around the building—it is up to your team to find them!
Management is not responsible for lost paychecks.
3:30pm - 4:00pm meeting
Subject: Password Selection
Description: It has become increasingly apparent that there is a password selection problem within our company. When choosing a login password for your computers, please select one that other people will not be able to think of. For example, we request that people stop using the password ****thisstupid****ingjob, as its increased use lately has made it unsecure.
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Thursday 3/24
8:30am - 9:15am meeting
Subject: Stock Options
Description: It is true that our company stock has fallen from $30 to $2 in less than three months. However, there is no reason for you to worry. We are simply in a transitional period at the moment.
11:00am - 12:30pm meeting
Subject: Shared Cubicles
Description: Since we are going to be renting out some of our corporate space to another company in the near future, we will have to condense our teams. With that in mind, we will now have a minimum of 2 people in each cubicle.
1:00pm - 2:15pm meeting
Subject: Office Birthday Parties
Description: Rather than celebrate all staff member birthdays individually, we will be dedicating one hour of each month to celebrate all birthdays at once. Due to health reasons, we will no longer be providing ice cream cake at birthday gatherings. We will, however, be providing rice cakes in an effort to improve morale.
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Friday 3/25
8:30am - 9:00am meeting
Subject: Water Cooler Fees
Description: Due to ongoing budget concerns there will now be a fifty cent charge anytime an employee wishes to get a drink from the water cooler. Employees unable to afford this fee are encouraged to get a refreshing drink from the outdoor sprinkler system.
2:00pm - 2:45pm meeting
Subject: Air Conditioning Complaints
Description: A number of employees have complained that the air conditioning in the building is set too low. We encourage these employees to wear more layers of clothing instead of constantly printing out emails, so as to better rub the warm paper from the laser printer onto their bodies.
4:30pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Weekend Coverage
Description: Discussion about who will be coming into the office this weekend to help schedule all meetings for next week.
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*If you are unable to attend any of the above meetings, please schedule a meeting with your supervisor to discuss the setting up of a re-briefing meeting at a later date.
**The only acceptable excuses for being absent in any of the aforementioned meetings are as follows:
-Death in the family (with note from mortician)
-Death in the self (with 2-weeks prior written notice)
Monday 3/21
8:30am - 9:00am meeting
Subject: Weekly Meeting Review
Description: Discussion of upcoming meetings for the week.
9:30am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Phone Usage
Description: Personal phone calls can have a negative effect on productivity; over time they could cost the company hundreds of dollars. If you must make a personal phone call, please use payphones located in the parking lot or next to the employee toilet.
11:00am - 11:45am meeting
Subject: Employee Parking
Description: Starting March 15th we will be leasing out 3/4ths of the employee parking lot as a truck rest stop. We urge all staff members to arrive an hour early each day to secure a spot. Please note that there is no all-day street parking available within a five mile radius of the company building. Also note that the company will not reimburse you for any parking or towing fees you may or will incur.
12:00pm - 12:15pm meeting
Subject: Pre-lunch Daily Report
Description: Department members to discuss their progress thus far in the day.
12:46pm - 1:00pm meeting
Subject: Post-lunch Warning
Description: Lately employees have taken lunches in excess of 30 minutes. A meeting has been scheduled to see who shows up on time. Those who do not will be required to attend a mandatory two-week Lunch Scheduling training seminar.
1:30pm - 4:00pm meeting
Subject: Department Objectives
Description: What is the purpose of your department? And can the company potentially exist without it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday 3/22
8:30am - 8:45am meeting
Subject: Hardhat distribution
Description: While we initiate the installation of even brighter fluorescent lights above your cubicles, all staff are required to wear a hard hat. This will protect the company from lawsuits should any new light fixtures fall upon, lacerate or otherwise severely and/or permanently injure staff.
9:30am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Sexual harassment policy
Description: Have you been a victim of sexual harassment in the workplace? If so, this meeting will address how not to dress like a prostitute.
11:00am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Meet and greet with Human Resources
Description: Introduce yourself to HR!
Possible Conversation Topics:
- What happened to your last paycheck;
- Friends reruns!
12:30pm - 1:30pm meeting
Subject: Drug screening
Description: Our mandatory in-house monthly drug screening of all employees. Please note that, due to a shortage of drug testers, you will be required to urinate in front of all staff to ensure accurate results.
4:15pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Self-Evaluations
Description: All staff members are required to turn in their self-evaluations at the end of the week. Please ask your manager to help you write your self-evaluation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday 3/23
8:30am - 9:45am meeting
Subject: Cell Phones
Description: Cell phones can be a major distraction at work, and therefore we need to discuss some of these issues. Ringtones by Cannibal Corpse and/or Anal **** are to be suspended until further notice.
11:00am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Security Badge Photos
Description: Due to an upgrade of our security system, all employees will need to be photographed again for new security badges. There will be a one-time fee of $55 for your new badges, which we will deduct from your next paycheck, as well as a monthly fee of $49.99 to maintain the security photograph database.
12:45pm - 3:00pm meeting
Subject: Scavenger Hunt
Description: In an effort to improve employee morale, the company will dividing all staff into groups of eight for a fun scavenger hunt event that will teach the value of teamwork. Employee paychecks will be scattered around the building—it is up to your team to find them!
Management is not responsible for lost paychecks.
3:30pm - 4:00pm meeting
Subject: Password Selection
Description: It has become increasingly apparent that there is a password selection problem within our company. When choosing a login password for your computers, please select one that other people will not be able to think of. For example, we request that people stop using the password ****thisstupid****ingjob, as its increased use lately has made it unsecure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday 3/24
8:30am - 9:15am meeting
Subject: Stock Options
Description: It is true that our company stock has fallen from $30 to $2 in less than three months. However, there is no reason for you to worry. We are simply in a transitional period at the moment.
11:00am - 12:30pm meeting
Subject: Shared Cubicles
Description: Since we are going to be renting out some of our corporate space to another company in the near future, we will have to condense our teams. With that in mind, we will now have a minimum of 2 people in each cubicle.
1:00pm - 2:15pm meeting
Subject: Office Birthday Parties
Description: Rather than celebrate all staff member birthdays individually, we will be dedicating one hour of each month to celebrate all birthdays at once. Due to health reasons, we will no longer be providing ice cream cake at birthday gatherings. We will, however, be providing rice cakes in an effort to improve morale.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday 3/25
8:30am - 9:00am meeting
Subject: Water Cooler Fees
Description: Due to ongoing budget concerns there will now be a fifty cent charge anytime an employee wishes to get a drink from the water cooler. Employees unable to afford this fee are encouraged to get a refreshing drink from the outdoor sprinkler system.
2:00pm - 2:45pm meeting
Subject: Air Conditioning Complaints
Description: A number of employees have complained that the air conditioning in the building is set too low. We encourage these employees to wear more layers of clothing instead of constantly printing out emails, so as to better rub the warm paper from the laser printer onto their bodies.
4:30pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Weekend Coverage
Description: Discussion about who will be coming into the office this weekend to help schedule all meetings for next week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*If you are unable to attend any of the above meetings, please schedule a meeting with your supervisor to discuss the setting up of a re-briefing meeting at a later date.
**The only acceptable excuses for being absent in any of the aforementioned meetings are as follows:
-Death in the family (with note from mortician)
-Death in the self (with 2-weeks prior written notice)