Grieving for someone who's never met you: Death in the family

My brother in law's mother passed today. From what I was told, it was a difficult death, but not at all unexpected.

When I first met her, maybe twelve years ago she was already beginning to suffer the effects of Alzheimer's. and so, while I have met, spoken with, and dined with her many times I am not completely sure if we've ever met.

She was a very good person, a fine mother who brought up a decent, strong son, a good man, and a lover of art and art history, but despite these common threads we never really got to dissect our favorites or expound on why certain beauty touched us more than other.

It's strange in a way to grieve for this person and I wonder if my sadness is for her or those she left behind. Probably both. It has hit me and I think I'm surprised by it. Maybe I'm saddened by a certain powerless to really do anything for my sister, brother-in-law or nephew. Maybe it's an innate selfisness that something is gone now. My belief is that we tend to grieve for ourselves and those left behind because those that are gone are in a better place or simply don't exist, but that memory, that attachment, that love is a stone upon those left behind.

Not sure why I am sharing this, but it felt worthy. God bless her, those who loved her, and to all those who face similar heartache.

My condolences, B.

Burgold, I had to come in here because I appreciate what you bring to ES.

Death is something that, even though I'm very young, I've experienced all too much. My Dad suffered through cancer and passed away after a 4 year battler (I was 13). My little Nephew, who was 15, died unexpectedly and of natural causes (I was 28). Plus countless Aunts and Uncles, so on and so forth.

I noticed you said "God bless her", so I hope it's ok to approach this in a spiritual way. I have been struggling (Especially after my nephew, he was like my little brother) with death so much recently and so I started to pray about it.

What God showed me is that, this is a chance for us to really understand the seperation of life. We (meaning Me and others) get too attached to this world. Whether it be attached to the relationships or whatever you truly love in your life. This is an opportunity for God to show us that these things are temporary but that what we strive to be or pursuit of greatness in the Kingdom of Heaven is where our real treasure is.

The loss of my nephew killed me. I was talking to my sister, and I was telling her that when my nephew was a baby, I used to see greatness in him. Kinda like, I could see him being a doctor or lawyer. And it's so funny because at that point, I didn't have a strong relationship with the Lord, so I didn't think bigger. When he died and I seen his whole high school fill up an auditorium and all the kids crying. That's where God showed me his greatness. He was put here to fill a much greater role. After the funeral all of the kids came and talk to me (I spoke at the funeral on behalf of our family) and they all told me how they were going to be nicer or more considerate because he talked to everyone. Or that he made everyone laugh or smile. That's what God's plan is....

We don't always know God's will or his plan but there is something so much greater.

Man, I am at work crying at my computer right now. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

Thanks, Manny.

And my most sincere condolences for you.

Because I do have a spiritual side, I generally grieve for the living more than the passed. It's us who will miss and who are at a loss. Those who I have loved or in this case known are, I hope, in a better place or a different life. If I am wrong they simply aren't. In any case, it's those of us who remember and have strong attachments that feel the burden of sadness and need the comfort and strenght of others and our community.

Your loss is far more profound and personal because as I said, I never really knew this woman yet I feel very sad at this moment. I think that's sadness for my sister, her husband, my nephew and others who are left behind and who I know are struggling in a way that I can't help all that much with.

Anyway, best to you and remember if it helps that love and life is infinite. Those who are lost to us are in good hands... it's we left behind that struggle, but thankfully, there are those who will struggle with us... even in this case, relative strangers like yourself who reached out to me.

My condolences, Burgold. Manny's post was both sad and beautiful, and I'm sure I'll be reading it again in the future.

Thx Burgold

U know, that's the other thing I failed to mention. I prayed for God to heal the hearts and allow me to burden the sadness. It's a responsibility I wanted because of the love I have for everyone involved.

Our pastor used to talk about people avoiding war but as soon as they believed in te fight, it was an honor to be a part of.

---------- Post added January-22nd-2013 at 08:22 PM ----------

This is not bein boastful (I know God knows our hearts an intentions) but when I talk to the youth of our church, I always teach them to be selfless. I think the world needs more people filled with love and selflessness. As sad as Sandy Hook was, I took pride in how everyone grieved together. Complete strangers crying and sending prayers and positive messages that way. Everyone was affected by the terrible tragedy

---------- Post added January-22nd-2013 at 08:22 PM ----------

This is not bein boastful (I know God knows our hearts an intentions) but when I talk to the youth of our church, I always teach them to be selfless. I think the world needs more people filled with love and selflessness. As sad as Sandy Hook was, I took pride in how everyone grieved together. Complete strangers crying and sending prayers and positive messages that way. Everyone was affected by the terrible tragedy

I agree selflessness is key. Too many of us live in a very tiny world thinking mostly/only of our own wants/needs. It's good that you have found a community that needs you and, I hope, responds to you.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I think it's pretty natural during a time like this to feel sadness, even if you didn't know or weren't able to have a close relationship with her. I think you may have hit the nail on the head in the OP. Your sadness may be for your brother in law, sister, and nephew, and it's completely normal to feel those emotions.

When you say you can't do anything to help them, maybe you could look at it a different way. No, you can't bring your brother in law's mom back, but you can still be there for all of them, even if it's just to offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Sometimes, the things we think are so minute and meaningless can actually mean the world to others. Just be there for them, and maybe you'll find that helping them during this time of sorrow will help the grieving process that your going through too.

And Manny, sorry to hear about your losses as well.

This will be a difficult weekend, but it's what we must do to support family. We remember, we pray, we celebrate, and we mourn. We hold hands and tell awkward jokes, share silence and pain, and willingly, knowingly, and often painfully be there.

It's not unique. Frankly, it's a common occurence that happens every hour upon every day around the world. Still, it's amongst the most intimate and heavy of weights.