Traveling for business - advice...

[RVAbrendan]

Hey ES,

I’m asking advice for those who have had to travel for their job that have a girlfriend/wife/significant other. How did it effect your relationship, if at all? Was it sustainable? I suppose it depends on the amount of traveling done. Here’s my situation and would like to hear other personal accounts and stories if you have ‘em.

I started a job a few months ago that will require me to travel 7-8 times a year (about twice a quarter) for 5-days at a time. To me, this really doesn’t sound like much. But, my girlfriend is having an incredibly hard time coping with this. She's afraid she won't be able to sustain this long term. I am not seeing it as a huge deal. A few days apart 7 or 8 times a year just doesn't seem that dire to me. We obviously feel different on the issue.

We’ve got a great relationship and are very compatible. Have been dating for about 9 months. I am a few years older than her.

Just curious if anybody has been in the same boat. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks as always…

[nyskinsfan56]

Used to be in this situation on the other end of it. Wife (girlfriend at the time) traveled quite a bit for work. Are you flying? Frequent flyer miles? Don't laugh...it helps justify it. Wasn't easy at first but I got use to it. Don't think it won't be tough on you also. She got sick of it just as much as I did to be honest.
Is it possible to take her on any trips with you? I'm lucky enough to be able to tag along on some trips that go over a weekend (of course paying my own airfare,etc)

Also have to ask why she's having a hard time with it. Does she think you'll be living the life, staying in the finest hotels hitting the clubs with your clients every night? That was definitely not what my wife did. Days Inn, crappy bagels, cold coffee, meals when you had at least more than a minute to yourself was more her life.

[ljs]

I have traveled in the past for work. Your gf sounds way too dependent on you. But some people have a really hard time being alone, even for a couple days. Or is it a trust issue? Is she the jealous type or thinks you may cheat if you're away?

btw, I'm a woman- so not trying to be a rude guy who doesn't understand. I worked with a bunch of guys, who also had to travel sometimes for work. Maybe a few days here or there during the year, so nothing major. And some of their wives just freaked out about it. They couldn't even handle a few days. Seemed a little ridiculous to get so upset about it. People trying to make a living for their family, and a little sacrifice is sometimes needed.

What about these women who have husbands in the war and are gone for 12-18 months at a time? Those are examples of strong women.

[TMK9973]

Thats not much traveling at all.

To be honest -I would ask her why she is so insecure if traveling 40 days a YEAR (and only 5 days at a time) make her feel that threaten. Something else is going on. To put in perceptive, you said twice a qtr, so basically 1 every 6 weeks?

Its just not that much..not to mention -I would assume by 5 nights, you are probably home for the weekend on those days. Also add that sometimes, if you go somewhere cool, you could stay for the weekend and she could come to you.

When I was engaged and my 1st year of marriage i would travel leaving Monday staying until Thursday of the following week, then be home for a week, then do it again. this lasted almost 2 years! It was GREAT. We NEVER fought, we always made the most of our time together, it was the best times of our relationship (As my travel decreased so did our relationship. By the time I was traveling twice a year, we got divorced..LOL).

I would sit down with her and ask her what about you being gone 5 out of every 45 days scares her.

[Skinz4Life12]

you are only traveling about 10-11% of the year. that doesn't sound like too much to me

[renaissance]

You need to ask what exactly her concern is.

If it's simply being apart from you that bothers her, then she has dependency issues that she needs to deal with.
If she's worried you will be hanging out with other girls while you're gone, then she has trust issues she needs to deal with.
If she's jealous that you get to travel and she doesn't, then she has jealousy issues she needs to deal with.

Regardless, there's not much for you to do but understand why it bothers her.

[deejaydana]

I've recently turned down some job offers and stopped the interview process due to travel concerns on my wife's part. There are some extenuating circumstances in my situation (we just recently moved to another city where we know literally next to nobody and she is spooked being alone at home while I'm gone). With that said, her take on "too much business travel" and mine, (the definition of) vary greatly. My advice? See what's really behind the discomfort of hers and see if you can manage it so everyone is happy. Look into having her make an occasional trip with you if you're going to cool cities. Rack up some travel miles for you both if you can. Best of luck...

[RVAbrendan]

Thanks for the responses, all.

-TMK, yes. Weekdays.

I think it is a combination of all of it. (Separation, trust, jealousy). It's surprising - never cheated, or did anything to make her think I would (and, I never would). I will be going to cities such as Vegas, San Francisco...Hawaii sometimes...So I'm sure she thinks I will be living the life. But I won't.

I think she's just bummed because she's never wanted to be in a relationship where traveling occurs, and now that she is, she's frustrated because she had no choice in the matter.

And yes, there are times where she will be able to come with me.

I know this all sounds ridiculous to most, I'm just trying to understand all of this. I just honestly am not worried about it much, and I think that even upsets her. I feel cornered, lol.

---------- Post added November-28th-2012 at 05:52 PM ----------

Thats not much traveling at all.

To be honest -I would ask her why she is so insecure if traveling 40 days a YEAR (and only 5 days at a time) make her feel that threaten. Something else is going on. To put in perceptive, you said twice a qtr, so basically 1 every 6 weeks?

Its just not that much..not to mention -I would assume by 5 nights, you are probably home for the weekend on those days. Also add that sometimes, if you go somewhere cool, you could stay for the weekend and she could come to you.

When I was engaged and my 1st year of marriage i would travel leaving Monday staying until Thursday of the following week, then be home for a week, then do it again. this lasted almost 2 years! It was GREAT. We NEVER fought, we always made the most of our time together, it was the best times of our relationship (As my travel decreased so did our relationship. By the time I was traveling twice a year, we got divorced..LOL).

I would sit down with her and ask her what about you being gone 5 out of every 45 days scares her.

You are correct on all of this. I have told her it's not much time at all. I've assured her it won't be that bad. The reasons deejaydana gave are it. It's just a bummer to me.

[GoSkins0721]

I travel every week for work: Monday morning through Thursday evening. Sometimes I have to stay a couple of weeks at a time. I've been doing this for 20 of the past 22 years. It's not always easy (on me or my wife). But I would say there's many more positives then negatives. From a relationship perspective, I think it's helped ours. You know, the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing.

[RVAbrendan]

I travel every week for work: Monday morning through Thursday evening. Sometimes I have to stay a couple of weeks at a time. I've been doing this for 20 of the past 22 years. It's not always easy (on me or my wife). But I would say there's many more positives then negatives. From a relationship perspective, I think it's helped ours. You know, the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing.

That's my viewpoint on it. I think a little absence can be a good thing. I'm not sure if I am mentally out of the honeymoon phase, and she isn't...but she does not see it that way at all!

[CaptChaos86]

Had this same situation a few years ago. It was actually pretty sweet. Getting away for a week makes both of you kinda miss each other. I was glad to get away but it was nice coming home and getting to see her. It actually improved our relationship. Good luck however it works out for you.

[pointyfootball]

We've got a great relationship and are very compatible. Have been dating for about 9 months. I am a few years older than her.

Not to be an armchair psycholigist but it seems like she's a bit insecure and maybe that's because of her age. There are many jobs that require much more travel than that (I did 60-70% travel right out of college). It's not like you're volunteering for these trips...you have to do it for work.

Definitely get it worked out now, because it will only become more of a issue when you board a jet to wing to Oahu in February as it's snowing here.

[Special K]

Yeah, you need to have a serious talk with her to figure out why she is so against you traveling (very minimally, FYI) for work. Nip it in the bud right now.

Not trying to be a debbie downer, but it is a bit concerning that she is this against you being gone for work obligations for a very minimal amount of time. Is she completely dependent on you in other aspects of you relationship? Does she have her own job, own friends, own life? How old is she? I suspect some of this insecurity stems from her young age...

Personally, I would be very hesitant to continue a relationship with someone so emotionally dependent on my physical presence. Then again in my first year of marriage I was the girl who left to live and work in Africa for several months while my husband held down the fort at home...so I suppose my views are a little slanted on this issue.

You need to have an honest discussion with her immediately, though because IMO, it's ridiculous to be so against someone leaving for work a few days a year to provide for the overall household...

[DaGoonie55]

I was in the military bro - I was gone ALL the time. But that is what my relationship was built upon. We maximized time spent together. We got married, I got shipped to Iraq 4 weeks later for a year. A year later, another year. Being the woman at home is no easy task. I don't quite understand how my wife put up with it. We actually have issues being together for too long, lol.

In your shoes (knowing what I know now) I'd tell her this is how it is. If you care for me, we can make this work. If you can't be alone for a week out of every 7, then this probably isn't the relationship for you. You have no reason to doubt my commitment to this relationship or we wouldn't be having this conversation to begin with. I want this to work - do you? More blah se blah.

Or quit your job to keep her happy. The choice is yours bud. Best of luck to you - and out of curiosity you have to let us know how it turned out.

[MissU28]

I don't think it's that much.

My uncle travels all the time for work. He and my aunt have been married for over 30 years (and still have an amazing relationship, it's obvious).

My friend's husband is an air marshall- he's always gone. They have a very strong relationship. Your girl is overreacting, in my opinion.