Has anyone dealt with postpartum depression?

[TMK9973]

...Hell i think i may be the one going the depression. I feel like i have been a hermit crab ever since he has been born. But im just trying to do what i think is right, but i just dont know what it right at this point.[COLOR="Gold"]

Please don't dismiss this. Because as I re-read your posts, THIS is what I see. Post Partum is a real thing that has hormonal and psych reasons that only effect the mom. But don't dismiss the fact that having a child is a life changing event and any life changing event CAN trigger depression in anyone.

I know its the common thing as soon as your child is born for all the dad to say stuff like "I knew the second I saw them that I would do anything for them" or "I never felt love like that". But here's the secert - Its BS. Not for everyone, but for MOST dads it BS. We didnt just spend 9 months having that child inside of us. What really happened is we had our wife, she got big, and then there was this baby that shows up. It takes a little bit for that bond with your child to happen.

I love my kids more then anything at this point. (Age 11 and 8). The things I have given up for them...man, from where I live to what I do to who I date now. Almost all of it has been with the focus being my kids. I am extremely involved and heres the big thing - It doesn't bother me 1 bit. I like my life because of my kids.
HOWEVER - those 1st few weeks? I didn't feel ANY of that. All I felt was how much my life changed. I put on the happy face, told my friends how great things were, but all I was was scared. Scared that I didn't feel what I was suppose to feel. Feel I didn't know what I was doing. Fear my best days were behind me. I would look at my son and think "Um..ok...So now what." My wife, who did suffer PPD on the 2nd, but was fine on the 1st - seem to adjust quickly. I just kept thinking "Sure I love him..but what about what I wanted to do".

But here's the thing....that faded. It was all ok. Did the love I was expecting happen on day 1 or week 1? nope. but soon, it was there. Soon...none of that other stuff seemed important.

[brandymac27]

I do talk to her, i mean she is my best friend and we share everything with each other. Which is why im feeling weird because she has seemed a bit distant and out of it. So thats what has me worried. But anyway we have a free night tonight and am just gonna spend time with her and maybe go see some friends and see how things go from there.[COLOR="Gold"]

Remember, her hormones are still going crazy too, which is probably why she may seem a little distant. Just remember, there's nothing wrong with the two of you spending some alone time together without the baby. It would also be ok, like TWA mentioned, for her to have a girls night out while you stay home with the baby(same applies to you too). You both need a break at some point. If you are being hermits and spending 100% of your time at home with the baby, you're gonna end up going crazy. Not to mention, it could cause issues in your marriage.

It's natural to worry about these kinds of things when you're a new parent. My advice would be to stop worrying about what you "think" people will think about you, be the best parents that you can be, and spend some quality time together (alone) with your wife. You'll both feel recharged after, and it will give her a sense that just b/c she's a new mom doesn't mean she has to completely give up her friends, social life, and time with you (which is the most important thing!).

[Enter Apotheosis]

I do talk to her, i mean she is my best friend and we share everything with each other. Which is why im feeling weird because she has seemed a bit distant and out of it. So thats what has me worried. But anyway we have a free night tonight and am just gonna spend time with her and maybe go see some friends and see how things go from there.

If there's any basis to your perception of her seeming distant and you don't know why then you're not really sharing everything with each other, are you? If that was truly the case then I don't see why you'd have started this thread (maybe you'd still have started a thread but it'd be a little different in tone I'd imagine). ****, you don't have to probe if you don't want to... you could easily open that dialogue by talking about how you're wigging out a little.

The "we tell each other everything" line has always struck me as one of those relationship platitudes that only gets thrown out when you are either particularly giddy about your partner or are becoming defensive against an even mild challenge to the effectiveness of your lines of communication. I'm not sure why people feel like they must tell each other everything for their relationship to be valid.

[brandymac27]

If there's any basis to your perception of her seeming distant and you don't know why then you're not really sharing everything with each other, are you? If that was truly the case then I don't see why you'd have started this thread (maybe you'd still have started a thread but it'd be a little different in tone I'd imagine). ****, you don't have to probe if you don't want to... you could easily open that dialogue by talking about how you're wigging out a little.

The "we tell each other everything" line has always struck me as one of those relationship platitudes that only gets thrown out when you are either particularly giddy about your partner or are becoming defensive against an even mild challenge to the effectiveness of your lines of communication. I'm not sure why people feel like they must tell each other everything for their relationship to be valid.

Ehh, I don't necessarily agree with this. You have a baby, and it can take MONTHS for your hormones to get back to normal (some women take longer). There's a big difference b/w adjusting to parenthood and dealing with the stress and being scared and all that, than him voluntarily with holding info on purpose. They're both used to things being a certain way. Now, all that they've known has COMPLETELY changed in a very big way. That takes some adjustment. It doesn't mean he's not giving us all the details or that there could be other issues involved in their marriage.

And frankly, if they have the kind of relationship where they are open and honest with each other and can tell each other everything, then that's great! Don't knock the guy for having a relationship where the lines of communication are open, especially when that's one of the main issues that causes so many problems in a marriage!

[Enter Apotheosis]

Ehh, I don't necessarily agree with this. You have a baby, and it can take MONTHS for your hormones to get back to normal (some women take longer). There's a big difference b/w adjusting to parenthood and dealing with the stress and being scared and all that, than him voluntarily with holding info on purpose. They're both used to things being a certain way. Now, all that they've known has COMPLETELY changed in a very big way. That takes some adjustment. It doesn't mean he's not giving us all the details or that there could be other issues involved in their marriage.

And frankly, if they have the kind of relationship where they are open and honest with each other and can tell each other everything, then that's great! Don't knock the guy for having a relationship where the lines of communication are open, especially when that's one of the main issues that causes so many problems in a marriage!

I don't necessarily get how you interpreted that post. I did not say anyone is intentionally withholding anything nor did I intimate that there are other issues at play nor did I knock having open lines of communication.

Let me sum it up more succinctly: be realistic. Your relationship can be nearly perfect but no one is completely forthcoming 100% of the time, try though we might. People have a hard enough time as it is being honest with themselves. No shame in it at all.

OP's posts simply indicate that he could perhaps make better use of the supposedly excellent channels of communication he and his wife share to help assuage his concerns.

[brandymac27]

I don't necessarily get how you interpreted that post. I did not say anyone is intentionally withholding anything nor did I intimate that there are other issues at play nor did I knock having open lines of communication.

Let me sum it up more succinctly: be realistic. Your relationship can be nearly perfect but no one is completely forthcoming 100% of the time, try though we might. People have a hard enough time as it is being honest with themselves. No shame in it at all.

OP's posts simply indicate that he could perhaps make better use of the supposedly excellent channels of communication he and his wife share to help assuage his concerns.

What I felt you were doing was ignoring many other factors that the OP and his wife are dealing with, while saying the lines of communication can't be as great as he's making it seem because you assume everyone lies to their partner. The guy has a concern for his wife. He feels she's being a little withdrawn. You think if they were really communicating everything would be much better (but then again, if you think everyone lies, what's really the point of talking to each other anyway?). I'm saying, that's not necessarily true. Have you ever tried communicating with a hormonal woman who is pregnant or just had a baby?

Also, there was a certain tone to your post that seemed a little condescending. Maybe I interpreted it wrong. All I know is that he's gonna have to be really understanding with her right now b/c she may NOT be able to communicate with him effectively due to her hormones and other stress/life changes that she's going through. This isn't anyone's fault and usually goes away on it's own in time. But, I felt like you were berating him for saying he has such great communication with his wife, while not thinking about the things that could make it difficult for them to really talk to each other.

[Enter Apotheosis]

What I felt you were doing was ignoring many other factors that the OP and his wife are dealing with, while saying the lines of communication can't be as great as he's making it seem because you assume everyone lies to their partner. The guy has a concern for his wife. He feels she's being a little withdrawn. You think if they were really communicating everything would be much better (but then again, if you think everyone lies, what's really the point of talking to each other anyway?). I'm saying, that's not necessarily true. Have you ever tried communicating with a hormonal woman who is pregnant or just had a baby?

Also, there was a certain tone to your post that seemed a little condescending. Maybe I interpreted it wrong. All I know is that he's gonna have to be really understanding with her right now b/c she may NOT be able to communicate with him effectively due to her hormones and other stress/life changes that she's going through. This isn't anyone's fault and usually goes away on it's own in time. But, I felt like you were berating him for saying he has such great communication with his wife, while not thinking about the things that could make it difficult for them to really talk to each other.

I am very direct, very technical, and very specific when it comes to what I put down in writing. That may rub people the wrong way in certain contexts but at least I put effort into explaining myself.

That first paragraph consists almost entirely of putting words in my mouth, by the way

[brandymac27]

That first paragraph consists almost entirely of putting words in my mouth, by the way

Like I said, maybe I misread/misinterpreted your post. Apologies if that's the case. I'm only saying that with the changes a new born brings, it's not uncommon for couples to have communication problems.

[codeorama]

I don't want to freak you out, but I do want to offer another side to what you are experiencing.

After my son was born, my wife at the time went through some of the same things you describe. 2.5 years later, she left my son and I.

Her issue was/is that she just wasn't responsible, she wasn't willing to give up doing all the things she wanted to do. Our son was a reality check. She had baby fever forever and I was the one that was hesitant. However, once our son was born, I was changed. I did everything. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. It was all about her.

I should not have been surprised as that's how her family is. Ultimately, I learned that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Today, my son is 7. I've been raising him on my own and I'm much happier.

[Elessar78]

I was talking to my wife about post partum and she said that clinically it involves specific traits such as thoughts of actually harming the child. Yes, it's dark but just want to highlight a difference between wanting a bit more activity and enjoyment vs full blown ppd.

[Bang]

I don't want to freak you out, but I do want to offer another side to what you are experiencing.

After my son was born, my wife at the time went through some of the same things you describe. 2.5 years later, she left my son and I.

Her issue was/is that she just wasn't responsible, she wasn't willing to give up doing all the things she wanted to do. Our son was a reality check. She had baby fever forever and I was the one that was hesitant. However, once our son was born, I was changed. I did everything. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. It was all about her.

I should not have been surprised as that's how her family is. Ultimately, I learned that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Today, my son is 7. I've been raising him on my own and I'm much happier.

I don't want to freak you out either. My ex ditched before our son was 2. He's now 16, we did fine.
No matter what happens, you'll work through it.

~Bang