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Mock Pope Draft, Redux
As you may have heard, Joseph Ratzinger - aka Pope Benedict XVI - will retire soon. I honestly did not know that was an option; the last time it happened was in 1415, and I only sort of remember that.
As mentioned in my previous Pope Mock Draft thread, any Catholic Cardinal between the ages of 65-80 can be elected; however there are only a select few, known as the preferiti, that have the support and reputation to be the next ruler of the Holy See.
Here are the odds-on favorites, with some pertinent, 100% accurate information that will help amateur Catholics everywhere decide who they think would make the awesomest new Pope:
Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi
Born October 18, 1942 in Merate, Italy
Height: 5' 10" Weight 215 lbs.
40 yard dash time: 21 minutes, 54 seconds
Strengths:
Scripted the winning TD pass on the cobblestones in St. Peter’s Square during the 1966 Vatican Bowl. Has great arm strength, can throw while on the move in the pope-mobile. Can take on double-teams from charging archbishops. Already owns a really nice Pope Hat.
Weaknesses:
Needs to improve on his pontificating. Seen as a great orator without experience, drawing lazy comparisons to Barack Obama. Played in a 3-4 congregation at seminary; might not fit with current 4-3 papal formation.
Notable: Only papal candidate who is a licensed bartender.
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Cardinal Marc Ouellet
Born June 8, 1944 in La Motte, Quebec (which is in some country named Canada, wherever that is)
Height: 6' 0" Weight 202 lbs.
40 yard dash time: 1 minute flat
Strengths:
Winner of the “Hominus Dominus Maximus” trophy for outstanding bishoping at Ottawa State. Can make all the ministrations. Known as “The Quicker Vicar” due to his outstanding 40-yard dash time. Known as a "high ceiling" candidate who can be coached-up to dominate non-believers.
Weaknesses:
Is Canadian.
Notable: Did 45 bench press reps at the papal combine.
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Cardinal Leonardo Sandri
Born November 18, 1943 in Buenos Aires, Argentina
Height: 5' 11" Weight 225 lbs.
40 yard dash time: 1 hour, 4 minutes, 13 seconds
Strengths:
A JuCo transfer, Sandri has recorded 116 conversions, 74 exorcisms and 9,011 Gregorian chants. Is a noted incense hawk. Out-dueled Satan in a Theremin-playing contest during a visit to Dallas in 1994. Has a knack for the big baptism.
Weaknesses:
Tends to get out of his stance early when preaching on the road. Motor described as “just ok” by some scouts, might take a blessing off here and there.
Notable: Always gets other archbishops to fall for the old “pull my finger” trick during mass.
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Cardinal Angelo Scola, Archbishop of Milan
Born November 7, 1941 in Malgrate, Italy
Height: 5' 6" Weight 195 1/2 lbs.
40 yard dash time: 3 days, 5 hours, 11 minutes, 55 seconds
Strengths:
Blue chip papal prospect coming out of seminary. A natural chanter with the ability to preach sideline-to-sideline. Has a variety of swim and rip moves to move through the congregation.
Weaknesses:
Doesn’t know any Latin. Tends to freelance during sermons. Has some off-the-cathedral issues and has been in trouble with the Swiss Guard on more than one occasion.
Notable: Was married to actress Kate Winslet in a surprise ceremony last December.
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Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco
Born January 14, 1943 in Pontavico, Italy
Height: 5' 7" Weight 179 lbs.
40 yard dash time: 7 minutes, 23 seconds
Strengths:
Super-smart, already like a pope on the field. Two-time All-Italian in the EBC (European Bishop Conference). Throw-back cardinal who will be a great presence in the Vatican locker room. Presides with an angry streak. Led the Pontavician Red Cusaders to a 13-5 record in 1958.
Weaknesses:
Conservative views may be out of synch with today’s pass-happy Catholic Church. Posted controversial Easter blessing to his Twitter account. Kinda sets your gaydar off a little when you look at him.
Notable: Has a tattoo of Chris Simms’ likeness on his lower back.
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EDog's Pope pick: Angelo Scola
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Originally Posted by Lombardi's_kid_brother
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